I’m allowed to be a little bit excited this year – just don’t spread too widely – I’m known as Scrooge! We had the most delightful day, just the three of us, PJ’s all day, a blip when the cub cried buckets at The Good Dinosaur – who knew a Pixar film would break the five year old!!
We had an amazing day and shut the door on the crazy world and crazy cancer. It wasn’t allowed in today.
I haven’t left the house since the day before Christmas Eve and I am ready to flip. I have significant cabin fever going on, I’m snappy, I’m grumpy – I’m not being fair on anyone. We escape the house for a bit of time.
Its also the first day where I haven’t worn a buff on my head in the house as I get used to the cold. I mean, I can’t explain how cold it is not having hair. I have no idea how those with short hair / bald deal with it – I’m going to now! The cub is also so accepting. She has become super clingy over the last few days and hilariously where she used to twirl my hair she is now rubbing my little bald head. She also made sure it was straight one way and spiky the other – I was no more good!!
Yep, I’m getting a quite significant side effect (for me anyway – I totally appreciate that second chemo and the type of chemo I am having hit people differently and I am very lucky so far). My veins where the drugs were put through in my teeny wrists feel like they are constricting and I can barely twist my wrist. I’m trying not to whinge as I’m one of those that will just leave things a couple of days and see if it gets better. It’s not a temperature and a quick glance at the Macmillan notes on the drug cocktail indicate that its only a doctor job if its right where the injection was given. I mean its close, but not that bad…
OK, I’m heading to the chemo unit. On New Years Eve. Under duress from the man cub, I rang the nurses on the ward and they told me to come in. My wrist pain has now spread all the way up my arm and towards my shoulder. Shooting pains and no ability to pick up or do anything with my right hand. I was told to make my way in. So off we went with the cub. I was a bit worried about her being on the ward – the first time she had been to hospital and maybe understood the reality of where her mama went every three weeks. Why was I worried? As per usual, she took it in her stride (not least because she had gone in dressed in her unicorn headband and a twirly dress, because, why not) and was spoiled rotten by everyone there. After a thorough check up and a few questions (hilarious as there is no privacy at all so the personal ones get asked in a half whisper through gritted teeth!) the consensus was those veins won’t be used again. It apparently isn’t uncommon (the cocktail is very strong – I dread to think that if it is doing this to the direct veins it entered my body on, what it is doing elsewhere – hopefully its job of killing off any rouge cells), my veins should recover but it will take time.
Not the best way to head into the New Year, but after the all clear we headed home, to get celebrations underway – just the three of us. Which became two of us at 8pm!! A few drinks and we both ended up in a reflective mood, this certainly wasn’t the year we thought we were going to have this time last year. Who ever does? You never think cancer is going to creep into you life, and if it does there is always the hope it ‘won’t be me’. But it was me. And I have had to deal with it.
2019 is a New Year and again will be a different one to what we would have ever planned. We need to finish the chemo part of this journey and all the weird and wonderful side effects that it is going to throw at me. Then I need to get genetics results and hope that I don’t have dodgy genes! A bit radiotherapy to follow that with no idea what that looks like. Then moving on, living life after, living life differently with new knowledge and brand new views on this precious life we have. Oh, and also a wee trek of 26 miles to walk in July to raise money for Macmillan. What a year it is going to be!!
I don’t sign up to resolutions usually. This year isn’t that much different. I usually just try and be a nicer person each year (usually lasts until 2nd January!), not lose my shit so much (usually lasts until midday on the 1st January!), the usual be healthy, drink less, exercise more (again – 1st January – broken). I stand by all of those but this year I’m going to need to dig deeper than I ever have to deal with some of the medically induced illness, the head mash of having had and living with cancer and ensuring that my family are happy and loved always. The dig deep is going to be needed while also feeling at my lowest ebb but dig deep is what I need to do.
One thing I do want to do when I am at the other end of this journey is actually start researching and reading. It upsets me daily the number of people who make it to the FB group I am part of, but that’s the tip of the iceberg, that’s only the girls who have breast cancer. Cancer itself is so much more wide reaching. While I can’t process more than dealing with my own stuff now, I will. From there I will work out what I can do in a tiny small way to make a difference.
In the meantime, I’ve still got this. I’m digging a lot deeper now, but I do still have it.