Pure hilarity today – couldn’t make it up!

16/05/19

Oh god where do I start with today. I’m loitering around downstairs this morning, wondering where my dad is and worrying we’re going to late when the phone rings. It’s my mam telling me that he had thought he was picking me up at 8.30 and not 8.00 so when she had woke up and realised he was still there she freaked and sent him on his way. Cue my panic that we are going to be well late for a 9.16 (love how specific they are) appointment, and they might not see me.

When my dad arrived at the house I didn’t even entertain him coming in – I was in the street ready to leap in the car, and I remained childlike huffy throughout the journey (I’ll confess I don’t do a huff well!). On the wrong side of river bridge to our hospital, I rang with a white lie to say traffic had been dreadful – and they were lovely. But being a child in a huff, I didn’t tell my dad that! We managed to make the rest of the journey in record time (the gods must have been looking down on my dad because his daughter was being a huffy bugger and given him a free run!). So I actually arrived for my appointment (after leaping out of the car at the car park barrier – I had no time for four attempts at parking today) bang on time.

As proved yesterday, these booster sessions are super speedy, so I was out i a flash and I don’t think my dads arse had got the seat warm. He had managed to get himself a coffee (with his loyalty card which I forgot to mention he had insisted on getting way back so we could claim a   free coffee at some point – are you kidding me with this!!!!).

We get back in the car and start heading to work and my frozen heart starts to thaw as I am honestly shit at holding an argument longer than 30mins! The man cub knows this too well!!

Two points of hilarity occurred before I got to work – one significantly funnier, the other just cringe worthy awkward.

  1. We had barely got going back to work when I got a call. From an unknow number. Answered for the craic just to break the silence of the huffy journey we were having……. I shouldn’t have answered the phone! It was the Doctors. Remember them that were supposed to be advising me of my contraceptive methods. Yep. That was the call I got. FML. They offer me an appointment for 27 June locally (WTAF), or 10 June nearer my workplace (slightly better). But that still isn’t to solve any issue – just to go through a few medical questions. Bloody brilliant.
  2. After ending the awkward one way call trying not to give away that I am talking about my contraceptive methods with my dad sat next to me, we continue into work hitting every traffic jam we can! Of course we do. Then three traffic lights out from being dropped off, I broke and ended up chatting some bollacks with dad (this is standard in my madness levels – I can’t stay quiet for long, or if I do I always end up thinking of something I need to tell you so I break the feud by telling the story – I’m a softy really!!). As I chatted with hi, and we became stationary at traffic lights he decided to finish off his coffee. His coffee that didn’t have the lid well fitted. His coffee that was still very full as I had whipped him out of the hospital quicker than ever. His coffee that he proceeded to just pour down his front in a Joeyesque style (if you aren’t old enough to get the Friends inference please just google Joey, Friends, gallon, milk).

I was absolutely hysterical laughing. I honestly have cried laughing writing this and remembering this. I wish I could have recorded it. It is only in my memory but by god it is an amazing memory of hilarity. In amongst the craziness of being stressed about being late, the rush to hospital, the half naked radiotherapy session, the awkward conversation about me sorting my sex life out – I have just belly chuckled from my toes.

He was soaking wet, the seat looked like he had an accident and he had no coffee left. I was ruined!

I walked into work and realised that I could have this day and the three more day I have left. Throughout the rest of my day I also realised I had met my 1k target for my big walk in July (eeek – that still is a thing and I still need to practice) and I am grateful. A lot of people are backing me. Knowing that people are behind me is kicking me forward. If I start having less faith in myself, all of these people remind me that they have faith in me, so I should too.

My little head has needed today. In the back of my mind, I am getting my ultrasound at hospital for this ‘other’ lump. If it is a cyst – happy days, as they’ll syringe and get rid. If it isn’t a cyst – more waiting, a biopsy, an uncertain journey. I don’t want that by any stretch – but for some reason (well probably a good reason) I can’t ever be as positive as I was the first time I entered hospital and had a biopsy. Receiving the worst news you can ever have doesn’t help a pragmatic head level out responses now. I am less able to balance the probabilities. I am less able to block out the dark noise. This upsets me as much as the noise upsets me. Because I have never been in this situation and I am not currently equipped to deal with it. I don’t have tried and tested coping mechanisms (much as CP helped me), I don’t have a way to switch these emotions off the way I would normally. And I am on a knife edge here.

But my positive little head is saying tomorrow will be fine. Third last radio. Lump ultrasound will be fine. Weekend of being busy ahead of us. And we will boss it. I’m sure. I’m pretty sure. Well, I hope I’m sure…..

Had a haircut!!!

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27/04/19

It’s Saturday and I am heading for a haircut!!! A haircut. An actual haircut.

I’m finding it a little funny that I am legit going for a hair appointment alongside my cub and getting hair chopped. But seriously – the fuzz is unreal. I can’t work out where I fit between a teddy bear fuzz and a new born fuzz. It’s a close call!!!

The lovely Anna gives me a ‘no guard’ shave while the cub gets her locks chopped by her best mate Nicola! The cub was on the opposite side of the mirror to me and I could hear her giggling and chatting away while I was sat still barely able to look in the mirror at myself. I am getting a little better at dealing with a mirror but being forced to look at it while my very short stumpy hair is shaved again (to tidy it up) I still find really confronting and really hard. It was a long five minutes.

Then we had a cubs party to attend too. Those big girl pants I had on yesterday are still firmly in place. This party was mine to attend as I felt relatively well (sciatica was killing me but as I had bailed the last few parties due to being ill I felt I needed to step up for this one!). I chatted with the mams like their was nothing going on, I watched my cub dance on a stage like an absolute show off (doesn’t get that from me I promise!), and maintained a pretence that all was good with life. It’s amazing really how much you can deceive people. That sounds really bad doesn’t it? But why would I possibly dump my baggage on people who only know me as the cubs mama. They don’t need that. They have their own baggage I’m sure. My baggage is my load to carry and I will do that. The cubs will also continue to play and that’s always a beautiful sight to see. As a mama it’s my job to make sure she is happy. Today she was very happy!!

Tonight though the dry cough and sciatica are jointly trying to take me down. My big girls pants are slipping off and I am digging into depths I had no idea I possessed until now. I am hopeful that I can be a third time lucky with the lump on this boob. I am sure I can be. I hope my pragmatism is well justified.

28/04/19

Sciatica has broken me today. I had to roll out of bed then make a tentative stand up this morning. I haven’t had it this bad since before I was pregnant. It was probably a quarterly occurrence (caused by the height of heels I wore at the time!) and I always walked like I had an accident to contain! This time I barely hid it round the supermarket as I complained at top volume yet the man cub still scrutinised all products down every aisle to see if he ‘needed’ something. This is why my online shopping has saved my sanity and my purse!!

The dry cough I have due to the radio is also not great today and I am trying to work out how I can deal with this when I am laid back on the gurney and have to stay still. I’m going with sucking mints religiously throughout the three minute journey. I’ll manage that!!

29/04/19

Day 5 coming at you! For Monday traffic it is an absolute breeze towards the hospital and I only get whiplash once on the way in. The radio journey of impersonality (absolute no judgement on the nurses here – they must deal with at least 80 people a day – they don’t need to be personal) continues. Get into position, wiggle about, lie very still (sucking mints so I don’t cough), hold my breath, move around, freezing cold boobs, done.

Today was hilarious though as there is music in the background (presumably to distract you) and today it was a proper club anthem from Cascada! I was literally laid on the bed but raving dancing in my head! It was the most surreal moment of radio so far. I don’t think that anyone actually thinks about or controls the songs that get piped through and I’m sure that should be thought about but for today I enjoyed it!!!

Once I’m finished I get the usual ‘have a lovely day’ parting and it makes me laugh and smile in one go. I can’t imagine what other people do when they are finished their radio appointments, but I am now off to do a 7.5 hour day at work and continue my life as if I am just being inconvenienced by a late start. Cancer is now being relegated to a back seat in my life as far as everyone I work with and live with is concerned. So it should.

Problem is, I have a very real lump to contend with and very visible results of cancer treatment that I cannot ignore. Frustrating as it is, I cannot quite shake the bloody cancer card.

Two lots of whiplash later on the return journey to work and I face a ridiculous day of meetings. Six meetings in six hours is crazy and while I know it is because my schedule isn’t helping my availability to deal with this, I also crumble a little bit today. This is not a good day. My pragmatic head is still holding onto all that is dear (and that this damn lump is a cyst) but I am being tested somewhat!

I have this though. I really do. All over it.

A poorly child takes us down!!!

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11/04/19

Why is it that I still can’t look in the mirror and recognise me with no hair. You’d think after four months with no hair, I would have become used to looking like this. But I guess thirty odd (!!) years of looking in mirrors with a head of hair is hard to overcome. But I’m also confused as I went through Uni years with short spiky hair in varying shades of colour. I seem to recall I managed to look in mirrors just fine. I also forget that I look like shite most days as when I am facing someone, my voice is the same, my responses are the same, so why would I look different? And then I happen upon a mirror and recoil in horror. Crikey, this is what everyone else is looking at and I forget it. Ugh.

I’ve also missed a check in call today with my lovely Pauline and now sat here tonight with a sore boob. And my armpit has weird little shooting pains going through it. The paranoia now is real. Every little pain I am feeling I double and triple check myself and can see that I could return to hospital every other day if I went down that route. I mean, I am just getting a bit older (still not celebrating that Birthday). But I am bound to feel life niggles, right?!

It’s half term week off from school this week, so you would think it’s been more relaxed without crazy school this week, but it’s been a bit more stressful. The man cub has been dropping me and the cub off near my workplace for breakfast so I can then walk her to an active camp childcare facility. What that does mean is that I have then had to walk a brisk mile back to work once she is dropped off. Much as this is good for my fitness regime and building up my mileage for the ‘big walk’ but I am also draining. And tonight picking the cub up from the camp, she looked like death warmed up. She was silent in the car on the way home (I mean, welcome silence but very eerie for our child not to talk incessantly). I have a feeling there is trouble afoot!

12/04/19

Woke up this morning with a proper poorly baby. She had nothing about her, was sleepy as, (no sign of tonsillitis which I got caught out with last time she was ill), lethargic and an unexpected day off work for the man cub ensued. I think a bad cold is flooring her, she is proper snotty, but also think she is just run down. She has been full tilt with me on this journey. But surely this has took it’s toll on her. When we are at work she is in breakfast club at 8am,she doesn’t get picked up from fun club until 5.30pm. This happens five days a week. And now I have launched her into long days during a school holiday as we work full time. No wonder she is exhausted and can’t fight a cold. The man cub has had to take the work hit and call in to say he has poorly child and not go in as I have meetings set and can’t in all good conscious take more time off. But at the same time the mama guilt is at an all time high. I have failed her and caused her to be really poorly. Aaaagh.

Tonight we have been talking about Gail Porter! I mean the man cub is in his absolute element! 90’s pin up (House of Parliament projection of a nude Gail Porter image are ingrained in my memory – babies may not remember this!) who faced baldness in her past through stress related alopecia and still looked bloody gorgeous.

The reason for talking about her was that the man cub had seen she had breast cancer diagnosed following a thermogram. A scan that identifies heat sources in the body and these can then be identified as cancer.

I haven’t sent myself down a rabbit warren here. We debated it (without facts) for a good while and then I shut the conversation down. I can’t in good faith do any quantifiable research on this in my headspace and give it enough weight to promote / shut down. I am living my unwritten rule of not dealing with Dr. Google and I will maintain that going forward.

13/04/19

Aunty Kate and Uncle Wills came round today. Was absolutely beautiful and spent a good bit of time catching up, chewing the fat, and reconnecting physically. It was so nice to do and while I didn’t feel ‘ill’, I was reminded again that I look a little bit shit. I know that again my outward voice is the same, but my visual appearance to people is different. As they hadn’t seen me since I got bald, I know it was a shock. They were amazing and as always accepted me and the cub into the man cubs family. I am so lucky to have them in my life.

14/04/19

Lazy like Sundays! I love this. (But also feel a little bit guilty that my lazy Sunday is the result of a poorly cub).

I am the first person up in the house today (absolutely unheard of following a Saturday night drinking sesh!), I potter about, do the housework and the cub finally awakes a wee bit brighter but with a red snotty nose and not loving life still. After a couple of hours, she was flagging again (and i was after an early morning!), so we took ourselves to bed and had a little lie down. Now, let me explain, the cub is a snorer. She denies it but by god it’s true! So I took a little video of her snoring (before I put the phone down and slept alongside her). When she woke up I showed her the video to have a chuckle. Her first words – ‘that wasn’t me mama, you’ve put that noise on there, I’m just sleeping quietly’. Oh yeah baby – I’ve spent my time dubbing videos on my phone while you were sleeping! Save me now!!

But today has reminded me that this journey is not going to define me. I will have this and I will continue to have this.

The Journey Begins

Thanks for joining me! I’ve moved pages from my blog on my life, of which now includes living not only with a cub and a grumpy man cub, but also with cancer.

Its not ideal to have that combination I can assure you! But I also wouldn’t go on the journey with anyone else in my corner, fighting for me all the way. I will also be fighting in that corner to continue the crazy journey I started five years ago when a little cub landed in my arms and made my life complete – a feeling that I didn’t believe I needed or had before that point.

The saying below sums up the journey so far, however the problem with making the way seem shorter is that it also feels like time has passed us by.

While I would certainly appreciate the cancer bit of my life to go quite quickly, I also want my time with the cub to go at a snails pace so I can breath and live it for so much longer.

I hope you all have good company in your journeys.

Cheers!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

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