Usual early start and second last radio done. It doesn’t quite feel real that I now only have one left. One!! Eeek! An eleven month journey is about to end and it feels like two years not just nearly a year. It has been my living life everyday for the last eleven months and then I need to end it. I’m not sure how I manage that yet and how I’m going to manage it. But it is becoming very real.
In other ways I don’t know where the time has gone. Sitting here now, reading back my previous blogs when I first found out, I can’t quite believe I made it. I have done this and I am so different and utterly changed by this. I can’t think another year has changed my life so much apart from having the cub.
FINAL DAY!! I can’t quite believe it. I walk into the hospital for the last time, get our last coffees and wait the standard two minutes to get called in at that time in the morning. Again, I had forgotten that I needed a clinic check and they were not quite so on the ball. A 40 minute wait ensued and I was proper twitchy. I was twisting my face like a child and had proper ants in my pants squirming on the seat and muttering under my breath.
I was also trying to mask all the emotions I felt inside me at this point. I was desperately trying not to cry in front of my dad (I don’t think he would have coped and I didn’t know if I could stop the floodgates if I opened them). I just wanted to get to that bell and ring it for a second time to end this journey.
I was finally called in, and it was a two minute conversation and check. I was given more cream for my poorly scar that has now broken down with the radio and is worse than the worst sunburn that you can imagine. I am also about to get some letters, which again, I need to wait for. FML. As I sat down in a different seat, I was facing the entrance to the childrens ward and I absolutely nearly lost it. A gorgeous six/seven year old, bald and beautiful, was heading in for some treatment and after she was called in all the waiting area heard were her screams as I assume they tried to either hook her up for treatment or were trying to take blood. I hate this bloody cancer. It doesn’t bloody discriminate. For those who say it’s lifestyle and habits that cause this then please go and watch a child, a gorgeous child who has barely had any time on this earth, go through the trauma. And then tell me that cancer is the persons fault.
By this point my tears were on the brink of overflowing and I couldn’t even look at my dad.
Then I got the letters. I was done. I could leave. I could walk the waiting area for the last time and never return. And I rang that damn bell. I really rang it. My dad can’t quite work technology so I don’t have a video of this one, but I have a photo that will serve as a reminder of this crazy time and that I marked an end to it. The L shaped waiting room residents clapped (as I have done every time I have heard it) and I strode out of there with my head high and no tears.
I got home and went to bed. Woke up at 1pm (pure laziness but I was exhausted) and then just distracted with a lot of household stuff before going out for tea. Flowers arrived from my bestie and they were beautiful and really perked me up. Went for tea and had a couple of wines with some cheers involved. It was well and truly needed and the cub seemed really positive with it all.
I just need to get to Friday – three days time, when I see the consultant from the first hospital that I started at. 11am appointment. The same day as we are starting a weeks holiday. Leaving at 5pm. I’ve got a mental few days at work to get through first (and I am ignoring the Oncologist appt in a couple of weeks time – her news will be positive I’m sure, I can’t even deal with any possibility it won’t be).
Today, my new book for writing in has arrived. No more black book. I was determined the next book wouldn’t be black!! I have memories to make and happiness to celebrate and they won’t be written in a black book. So as I am nearly finished this black book, I’m looking forward to channelling positive energy into my family, house and home.
I had this, and I’ve got the future now. I really do.