Lump day, but good day….

17/05/19

I blumming love an email notification that tells me a parcel is being delivered today. Especially one that is letting me know a beautiful dress and new shoes for the upcoming wedding are arriving. Eeeek. I’ve proper spoiled myself with this – I would never usually have taken the risk with what I’m planning – I’m just praying the dress fits and the shoes are comfy! But the little email has started my day off well!

Then I was only put through the windscreen once today by Norman on the way to radio. Radio went smoothly – these booster sessions are so quick. My new favourite two male radiographers had a bit banter with me about work and my weekend plans. I ended up telling them about my big old walk and the practice we needed to do. They were looking at me like I was madness itself! I sometimes think I must be, but I’m still standing and while I am, I will do everything I can to help others have the support and help they need during this twatting journey.

Today there was no coffee allowed back in the car. I made sure, once I was walking back out of the hospital with Norman that he was necking it and that it was put in the bin outside the carpark!! I’m not taking any more risk with him – I need to get back to work in one piece, deal with some real life stuff and then on to the next hospital of the day. All of this while I am really sore, really really sore. My skin has cracked all over my nipple and the whole boob, neck and underarm is the brightest nastiest red. It literally popped to another level overnight and the itch. My god – the itch. There is nothing that I can equate this too in a pre C life. Absolutely nothing as relentless as the itch. And absolutely nothing I can do about it 99% of my day. Aaaagh.

I arrive back in work (as if it’s another day – nothing to see here – no appointment this afternoon at the other hospital to worry about – nope – none!). Then as is our life I get a call to say that the cub has a swim place (finally got round to this for her – shamefully a bit behind her fellow school cubs, but it has been a busy year!). Over the moon, I ask when she starts – 6pm tonight!!!! Whey aye – I haven’t got enough going on today. Let’s add in a swim class tonight straight after two hospitals, work, after school club. Not a bother!

The man cub picked me up mid afternoon and we made our way back to familiar streets, parking to avoid the crazy hospital charges and making the very familiar walk into the hospital grounds. As we arrived I felt the pit of my stomach churning as I headed down the corridor of doom to the Breast Screening room. It honestly couldn’t be more depressing – no windows, no access to the outdoors, artificial light, and everyone on the edge of their nerves. I have really grown to hate it. Luckily, I was called really quickly by Carol, a sweetheart of a nurse, and introduced to the lovely Richard, the ultrasound guy (I really should understand their actual job titles as I’m sure they are way more qualified than I am making them out to be!).

As Richard talked me through the process (been through this a few times now mate! I don’t need the dialogue!!), he mentioned that ‘if I see anything I’ll biopsy just in case’. I must have lost all colour in my face as Carol grabbed hold of my hand and said – lets not worry yet pet. Geez, as if I wasn’t bricking it already. I don’t need any biopsies today. I don’t need any more waiting. A week today we are heading off on a holiday that has been long awaited and will be cancer free. I am not going to be pissing about waiting for biopsy results. I’m not. I appreciate I sound like my five year old here but I am NOT!!!

After what felt like ten hours but was only ten minutes getting going with the ultrasound wand, Richard confidently confirmed that we were dealing with a pesky cyst, and all the other lumps are normal bits of scar tissue from my surgery years ago. YES. YES. YES.

As I’ve lost weight through chemo and radio he thinks that tissue and lumps are just feeling more prominent to everyone and comparing to previous ultrasounds he can see that some of the lumps (previously confirmed as ok) are exactly the same. YES MATE. Thank bloody god.

Another ten minutes later, a whopping needle again and a jab in the boob followed by a quick syringe cleared me up again. No more lumps. All gone (along with that bloody cancer) and I’m going on holiday. I’m going on holiday cancer free and DONE!

I can’t even tell the parentals that I’m this happy today as I haven’t told them about this lump (or the last) – I mean I kind of had to tell them about the first one, the obvious one!! But I just don’t want to put them through the stress. They don’t need the stress if it turns out to be a bloody cyst. That’s my deal to bear. I don’t need them flapping when I am trying to hold it together. Why worry them if there isn’t actually anything to worry about? (let’s be clear – the cub will be rugby tackled to the floor and pummelled somewhat if she ever tries to keep something like this from me – but I’m allowed to be a hypocrite!!! I’m her mama!!!)

We’ve escaped the hospital (trying not to look too happy as we walked out the waiting room – I know what those other ladies are going through), and we head home to get swimwear gear for the cub. Which is when I realise I have the online food shop arriving between 7 – 8pm, and I assume the swimming is 6 – 7pm (I had forgot to ask!), and knowing our luck (you know all that luck we have?) the shop will arrive at 7pm on the dot. So I have lost the coin toss and I staying in to wait for the shop and missing out on her first swim lesson. I’m sure we’ll take turns going forward and I won’t miss those weeks I don’t go (!) but I’m missing her first one. Agh. Simple life is sought after now. I really would like a simple life.

But – a dress and shoes have arrived! A beautiful dress. Gorgeous comfy shoes.

Pure retro and I bloody love them. In the quick turnaround the man cub had, I tried them on and spin about like a five year old in a fancy dress shop! I mean, bald still doesn’t go with them. But I am spinning round tonight and I don’t care. They look soooo pretty. Really starting to look forward to being at the wedding now – at least I’ll feel comfortable with my dress and my shoes – I’m a big fan of shoes.

Today has been a day of conflicting emotions, but proved I have this. I have two radio left and I have this! I can feel it.

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