Oh god where do I start with today. I’m loitering around downstairs this morning, wondering where my dad is and worrying we’re going to late when the phone rings. It’s my mam telling me that he had thought he was picking me up at 8.30 and not 8.00 so when she had woke up and realised he was still there she freaked and sent him on his way. Cue my panic that we are going to be well late for a 9.16 (love how specific they are) appointment, and they might not see me.
When my dad arrived at the house I didn’t even entertain him coming in – I was in the street ready to leap in the car, and I remained childlike huffy throughout the journey (I’ll confess I don’t do a huff well!). On the wrong side of river bridge to our hospital, I rang with a white lie to say traffic had been dreadful – and they were lovely. But being a child in a huff, I didn’t tell my dad that! We managed to make the rest of the journey in record time (the gods must have been looking down on my dad because his daughter was being a huffy bugger and given him a free run!). So I actually arrived for my appointment (after leaping out of the car at the car park barrier – I had no time for four attempts at parking today) bang on time.
As proved yesterday, these booster sessions are super speedy, so I was out i a flash and I don’t think my dads arse had got the seat warm. He had managed to get himself a coffee (with his loyalty card which I forgot to mention he had insisted on getting way back so we could claim a free coffee at some point – are you kidding me with this!!!!).
We get back in the car and start heading to work and my frozen heart starts to thaw as I am honestly shit at holding an argument longer than 30mins! The man cub knows this too well!!
Two points of hilarity occurred before I got to work – one significantly funnier, the other just cringe worthy awkward.
- We had barely got going back to work when I got a call. From an unknow number. Answered for the craic just to break the silence of the huffy journey we were having……. I shouldn’t have answered the phone! It was the Doctors. Remember them that were supposed to be advising me of my contraceptive methods. Yep. That was the call I got. FML. They offer me an appointment for 27 June locally (WTAF), or 10 June nearer my workplace (slightly better). But that still isn’t to solve any issue – just to go through a few medical questions. Bloody brilliant.
- After ending the awkward one way call trying not to give away that I am talking about my contraceptive methods with my dad sat next to me, we continue into work hitting every traffic jam we can! Of course we do. Then three traffic lights out from being dropped off, I broke and ended up chatting some bollacks with dad (this is standard in my madness levels – I can’t stay quiet for long, or if I do I always end up thinking of something I need to tell you so I break the feud by telling the story – I’m a softy really!!). As I chatted with hi, and we became stationary at traffic lights he decided to finish off his coffee. His coffee that didn’t have the lid well fitted. His coffee that was still very full as I had whipped him out of the hospital quicker than ever. His coffee that he proceeded to just pour down his front in a Joeyesque style (if you aren’t old enough to get the Friends inference please just google Joey, Friends, gallon, milk).
I was absolutely hysterical laughing. I honestly have cried laughing writing this and remembering this. I wish I could have recorded it. It is only in my memory but by god it is an amazing memory of hilarity. In amongst the craziness of being stressed about being late, the rush to hospital, the half naked radiotherapy session, the awkward conversation about me sorting my sex life out – I have just belly chuckled from my toes.
He was soaking wet, the seat looked like he had an accident and he had no coffee left. I was ruined!
I walked into work and realised that I could have this day and the three more day I have left. Throughout the rest of my day I also realised I had met my 1k target for my big walk in July (eeek – that still is a thing and I still need to practice) and I am grateful. A lot of people are backing me. Knowing that people are behind me is kicking me forward. If I start having less faith in myself, all of these people remind me that they have faith in me, so I should too.
My little head has needed today. In the back of my mind, I am getting my ultrasound at hospital for this ‘other’ lump. If it is a cyst – happy days, as they’ll syringe and get rid. If it isn’t a cyst – more waiting, a biopsy, an uncertain journey. I don’t want that by any stretch – but for some reason (well probably a good reason) I can’t ever be as positive as I was the first time I entered hospital and had a biopsy. Receiving the worst news you can ever have doesn’t help a pragmatic head level out responses now. I am less able to balance the probabilities. I am less able to block out the dark noise. This upsets me as much as the noise upsets me. Because I have never been in this situation and I am not currently equipped to deal with it. I don’t have tried and tested coping mechanisms (much as CP helped me), I don’t have a way to switch these emotions off the way I would normally. And I am on a knife edge here.
But my positive little head is saying tomorrow will be fine. Third last radio. Lump ultrasound will be fine. Weekend of being busy ahead of us. And we will boss it. I’m sure. I’m pretty sure. Well, I hope I’m sure…..