Day 14 and I’ve managed to break the skin on my boob on the way into the hospital as it is sooooo bloody itchy. The bad boob is also now so swollen due to the radio that after the weekend they are both actually a different shape for the scan. Which means a lot more rejigging on my back, on the machine to get me in the right place to blast radiation at me. I was so bored with it today I was probably the most compliant patient they have ever had as I just turned into a floppy doll and got dragged about for fun.
But I am sore now. Like really bad sunburn sore. Itchy sore. After sun won’t touch it sore. Want to take layers of skin off your own body sore. But my focus remains – the man cubs birthday is the 25th, we plan to go away the Friday 24th. I am aiming for that with everything I have.
Just realised today at day 15, means I am three quarters through. What I failed to realise is that I get a clinic check before my ‘booster’ sessions for the next five rounds. The clinic check happens straight after my radio session (albeit a small wait) to check my skin (getting ruined), to check how I am (getting ruined) and to explain what the booster week (5 days) entails. The nurse (a trainee with a supervisor making notes in the background) declares that my skin is holding up well (cheers pet – it’s itchier than a bad case of cramp, so yeah, doable), I’m not that red (seriously more red than I was when we went to Sri Lanka), and the scar is holding up well (I mean I had a C section with my child, this was a small one in comparison, I should hope it’s holding up well). So all in all, I get a clean bill of health at this stage. Great – I’ll just rock on with my final five days now and be done with (please let that be it).
Also been thinking today about upcoming Friday and the second (third) lump check out. I can’t quite deal with it being anything but a cyst; but if they decide that they want to check it out further I am going to tell them to crack on with that without me as I am away. We are away. AWAY. HAVING FUN!!
This afternoon I’ve knocked a cheeky 2.5miler in with a friend. A bit natter and walk helped the black cloud lift somewhat, then I reclaimed the carpet in the cubs room which had previously been held captive by all the s**t (sorry – toys). Shamelessly I have then had a nap. Who am I – a nap???? I seriously don’t like this now, but it is the only way I can keep functioning. I have never done naps in my life before this, but I need them more than ever now. And I quite enjoy them! I set the alarm for 3pm and wake up at 4pm (totally ignored the first alarm and didn’t set the snooze!!). -My head tells me I need it, but by body tells me I am lucky, my head then tells me that I’m spoilt! FML. I will do what I need to do.
Its a Golf, Norman, a goddamn Golf. Could park in the smallest of car parking spaces Norman. It really could park itself Norman. Give me strength.
So today, it took four – YES, FOUR!! – times to park the car. I love my dad but dear god, we are getting into unknown territory of fury with him! He is so sweet, but this is grinding my teeth right down.
SO today is Day 1 of the booster sessions. Day 1 of Day 5 – seems like a good last countdown now. Five days left and I can get this done! The cub is also counting me down with full excitement each morning when she sees her daddit and waves me goodbye.
Today was the first day I have also had two male technicians in the radiotherapy room since the first poor little boy in the planning session. And then it literally took me longer to get undressed and dressed again than the actual radio session!!!
Returned to work and today, as part of #mentalhealth awareness week, the office participation today was to do post it notes for other staff to tell them positive things about them. There was a pile on my desk, and I couldn’t read them. Then I did read them and could feel the tears prickling. So I put them to one side. I’ll read them later. When I can read them without breaking down. I have four days left now and I can’t face breaking. And I have Fridays check up on the lump yet and that may break me. So I’m going to keep it all contained for the minute.
So I’ve come home tonight and nearly been tipped over again. Seriously my cub has my life!
The conversation went:
‘Mama how do you spell afility?’
‘I don’t know that word baby. What’s the context?’
‘I am trying to write ‘to mama, I love you for afility years because that’s the biggest ever.’
‘You mean infinity darling, its I..n..f’ (bloody hell – pull at my heartstrings why don’t you baby. I bloody love her so much).
I still have this. I’m still keeping it together and I am nearly there!