Day 8 and had a cracking start today. After yesterdays epic hospital appointment and utterly emotionally exhausted I woke up shattered. So the dad decides to have some more road rage today. Just the indicators alongside the horn so we avoided the window wiper debacle, but I literally had my head in my hands. Then he took three tries to reverse park the car in the multi story. By the third time, I had my hand on the car door to just get out and leave him. The strong coffee was needed today. But he was chuffed to bits as it was a free one with the loyalty card! I can’t even get happy about that – I’d much rather be having free coffee at work that I can make every morning. Saving grace is the free car parking for us cancer patients! Perk of the bloody big C!
After radio was done, and heading back to work, he decided to use the left lane on a roundabout to turn right. A really busy roundabout. Where luckily when he’d pulled out there was no one else who had dared (they maybe had a premonition), where he careered into the left lane, while I shout that he’s needing the third exit, right dad, right. ‘I know’, he says to me. Aaaaaagh. How much is car hire? I’m sure it’s cheaper than my sanity. Someone give me some strength – twelve days left. Just twelve. Nearly half way.
After a long, long day at work, I arrived with the man cub to pick the cub up from after school club. As we crossed the school yard, her little mate ran over and said ‘are you going to grow your hair back?’. It made me smile to be honest. The absolute innocence of children. I smiled at her and just said ‘oh yes, I hope so!’. Her response – ‘yay’ and then she ran off to continue playing. The man cub and I laughed and laughed. So innocent and totally accepting. Such a u-turn from the negative experience a while back with the child who was being a wee tinker. It’s funny that I forget that all other experiences with the children who are friends with the cub, those that haven’t batted an eye at my hair, my baldness, my illness – is less significant. But it should be the norm and I should be shouting about them. I should be making less of a deal about the bad experience and more of a deal about the beautiful acceptance of both normality and innocent questioning. It would be even better if this acceptance continued in later life and there were no judgements.
Tonight, I have given myself a pep talk about the negative thoughts that are creeping on me while waiting for the next ultrasound. I need to put to bed this negative stuff. I had a lovely interaction that was so positive today. I know I have never lived in worst case scenario so I need to stop doing it. I need to just deal with this waiting game again. I will get an appointment when I get it. I need to remember that the other girls who are being seen before me also need to be seen before me. So I can do this. I’ve done it a lot now. I can keep doing this.
I’ve been getting back in my groove at work, I’ve got my good mood face back on and loving the normality of being in the office more frequently (my team might not!) having crazy conversations that make me laugh every day. I just need to equate that all over my life. Because normality is what I am craving now.
Day 9, radio done after a lightly longer wait (some kind of staffing drama it seems which wasn’t ideal but still wasn’t more than 40mins in the hospital (the drive in had taken longer!) and then lets just drive through a red traffic light. Straight through. As I start to open my mouth to say stop, we were already through it. ”Ooops’ he says, ‘sorry I missed’ that he says. Oh yeah – no bother dad – at least there wasn’t anyone crossing the road!! Someone please send help!!
I’ve also just received my appointments for Day 15 – 20 (booster week) as well. Where I have been grateful for getting an early appointment everyday at 8:00 so I can get on with work during day 1 – 15, I have now been given appointments at 12:00 every day. Are they kidding? 12:00?? I’d have to leave work at 10:30 and unlikely to get back to work until 14:00. So might get five hours at work on a good day compared to the seven hours plus that I am averaging at the moment. I need to get on the phone next week as it’s Friday now and I can’t quite deal with the argument with the appointment making folk!
When I got home at the end of another trashing day my cub broke my heart like she can in a heartbeat;
‘How was your day baby?’
‘Really good mama, how was the hospital for you today mama?’
Oh, go on my beautiful cub. Keep breaking my heart and being the loving, gorgeous human being you are. The squishy hugs, her assertion that she wants the hospital appointments to stop and that she is sad for me are breaking my heart. It is clear now that the daily arrival of her daddit is making her more aware of the fact I am heading to hospital. Previously, we may have mentioned the odd time but it was never in her radar or so obvious as it is now. And much as she is loving her daddit giving her big hugs and kisses every day, it is also making her more aware of what her mama is going through. Just another shit side effect of managing cancer.
The other epiphany of today was yet again, another saying that I never expected to knock out in my life – I have super itchy nipples! WTF? That’s not something that you can say out loud as a pain in the arse side effect of treatment! It also isn’t something that you can deal with well, as I discovered in a few meetings today. It’s not an area that you can itch in public and let me explain – an itch that isn’t itched is the most annoying, niggling, frustrating situation. The only thing I can equate it too is when you have an itchy foot and boots on, but you’re also driving and can’t do anything about it. So you wriggle the rest of your body to distract from the source of the irritation. But an itchy nipple. In the middle of a working day. There is no wriggling or itching another area that can distract me. Dear god – this is another annoyance of epic proportions, hopefully short lived, but crikey just another gift of the cancer journey.
I’ll keep going. I am nearly there. I am closer than I have ever been and I am now within reaching distance of the final ten days, the half way marker nearly achieved.
I have this. I really do. Itchy nipples along with me.