After a long Sunday yesterday where I slept a lot (or attempted too with a five year old in the house!) and got frustrated with life, I decided that at 5am today, it wasn’t going to be a day that I could go to work. I hate that I’m being flaky with work but I am so tired. Tired. TIRED. I can’t even explain the level to anybody as it is nothing I have felt like before. I absolutely need to go to work tomorrow as have a meeting that I do not want to rearrange. I need to drag them big girl pants on, my best outfit and heels and smash it like the old me would have done. No matter how bloody tired I am. I might have no hair but I can still be fierce in a meeting when needed. So today I am went back to bed and tried to sleep so I could be a functioning human tomorrow. Then tonight I wrote my first post about the clinical psychologist and it took me back to that place again. I think it was particularly hard as I know I have the ‘Heart of Darkness’ session coming, and writing about what I should be doing to help my mental health I know that I don’t care enough about it, I need to care more.
So Tuesday kicks in and I feel like I haven’t slept at all. I had my eyes shut, but I literally felt awake all night. I made the cub cry as she ate Sports Mixture for breakfast – apparently she heard me say yes to the question of whether she could! I fell out with the man cub as I left the cubs jacket at home and had to do a U turn on the way to school, traffic was abysmal to work, and I needed to nail a meeting. God – today was the day I wasn’t catching a break.
It got better – I was talked too like a child in the meeting. Now, for those who know me personally you have just sucked in air through your teeth. For those who don’t know me, please suck air between your teeth. I do not tolerate being treat like an inferior. In fact it makes me madder than a box of frogs, so I get sassy and sarcastic. I then got what I needed and left on my heels with my bald head held up.
Back at work, I had meeting, after meeting, after meeting and picked the man cub up in a state of tiredness like I could sleep on a clothes line. I then managed to whack my knee so badly that I could barely walk. It has been the longest day in recent history (!!) and I am done in. Bed is beckoning.
The saving grace of the day was that I got my last card in the series of six for my chemo. ‘Bald, brave and bloody beautiful’. Halfway through today I opened it and could have blubbed right there. I was not feeling the brave and beautiful but I was certainly bald!!!! It made me laugh and feel fabulous all in one go and that is some feat these days. I am forever grateful for my six ‘chemo’ cards that have helped me through (and the accompanying food that came in amongst it!). I also honestly don’t think my support network realise how much I appreciate and love all the little messages, cards, flowers, presents and general encouragement. And much as I am a ‘brush off’ girl and accept them with a nod of thanks, I honestly deep down couldn’t appreciate them more. Its just I know I would break properly if I showed any more gratitude face to face. I’m on a precipice most days and I daresn’t cry in front of anyone as I probably wouldn’t stop and that isn’t cool!
I have cried in the shower this morning, proper blubbed – it wasn’t because I was tired (that probably didn’t help!), it wasn’t because I look terrible (I do!), it also wasn’t because my heating had just broke down (give me strength), but it was because I am sick. Sick of everything. Sick of being tired, sick of feeling like shit, sick of not being able to deal with life itself as successfully as I used too, sick of the endless wallowing in self pity (and here I am doing it again), sick of not feeling like I am being enough for my cubs, sick of putting my life on hold. The list could go on, but I don’t shower that long (the man cub takes longer than I do!) and I had to pull my big girl pants on and give myself a good talking too to be the fierce mama and work face ready (I mean I didn’t do great on those accounts but I made it through!).
I’ve remembered that I am doing the ‘Heart of Darkness’ on Monday and I have to get through the weekend before facing that treat! I’ve fibbed to the parentals that I don’t have an appointment so my dad doesn’t take me as I don’t think I could do the session and then come out and blasé a conversation with my daddy. Because I fully expect that I am going to be broken. And I know I have to do it. But I have done over seven months of this damn journey and much as I have blubbed (this morning!) I actually haven’t broken. Really, really, really dealt with the emotion. I’ve cried – then shut it down. I well up and shut it down, I actually cry and shut it down, I blub and I time it so I have to shut it down. I have a sneaky feeling that my CP is going to make me deal with it and not shut it down. God dammit!!
But I will deal with it. I will have it. I had this week and I will have next week. Because I have got this.