I have had a hell of a first day following my final chemo! I’ve had a night of hot flushes (those kind where the duvet is off, then back on, then off again, legs out of under the duvet – still holding onto a bit of the duvet in case I get dragged out of bed by the bogey man!). It was the longest night. These nights don’t get any easier though, I tell you what – when it’s dark, and all you can do is live in the depths of your conscious where the little demons bite away at the edges of your positivity. Ugh. It’s brutal. I’ve finished chemo, but I’m not actually done with it. The full on side effects still need to kick in and they are going to floor me properly. Sixth round, and every time it has got harder. It has gnawed away at every bit of me and I become irrational in the moment and forget that I do come out of it. I do see light, and the end of the tunnel. The main problem is everyone (my mother mostly trying to be helpful) telling me that there is an end in sight. Baaaaaaaaaaa. Lack of sleep is the work of demons!!
After dispatching both cubs out to school and work I had an epic sleep through to midday! Lazy, lazy, lazy. So to make up for it I hoovered, washed dishes, cleaned the bathroom, dusted, leather creamed the sofas, cleaned the carpets and then blitzed a work meeting (which involved a lot of finance chat – yay!) in Costa at 4pm. Plus nailed bath time with the cub. Who says chemo drugs can stop you doing stuff!! I’m bloody exhausted but I did it.
However it is now 10pm and after all distractions are done I am now absolutely shattered. And then I have just read a girls post who was diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer back in 2014 and its just come back.
My little positive mood bubble has just burst and I know again that I am going to be changed forever by this damn diagnosis and disease. Am I going to be spending every month, every year, every five years on tenterhooks, waiting for the other shoe to drop? Am I going to have a living dread on every anniversary, every lump and bump, every weird random pain that I have C? Quite possibly. Or in fact quite probably. Which is why I think that’s where I need to do some psychology work on myself. I need to not be consumed by this at every point in time. My wee cub doesn’t need her mama thrown every other week by the C word. But one day after my last chemo, tired and emotional, I don’t quite know how I am going to be pragmatic again. My little pragmatic head, fighting in it’s corner, tells me that when I am in a better headspace and as time goes on it will get easier. I know it will. But when I tear up just talking about it properly I know I’m nowhere near there yet.
My mood is not helped by the fact I am technically 4-0 tomorrow. And I have ‘cancelled’ it. Postponed it indefinitely. I just don’t much feel like celebrating. I have warned everyone close to me that I am not doing this. I do not want presents. I do not want cards. It is another day later after chemo, another day that I need to get through the side effects of the crazy drugs. I’ve also removed the sticker from the calendar so the cub doesn’t notice so much (she will soon start twigging – shes not that daft, but hopefully I can negate the upset for her when it’s watered down).
But a 40th is a big thing isn’t it? A refresh?
Wow, I don’t know how to feel or act or how to keep going sometimes. But I have too. I have that wonderful cub and man cub of mine who need me and (I hope) who I will get to see grow more. I am keen as mustard to see what I cooked grow up and be an amazing human being. I want the pre teen battles (someone remind me of this when we want to murder each other!), I want the teen years (def remind me of this bit!!), I want to see the amazing adventures and journeys that she goes on. I made this beautiful human and with some amazing people alongside me, we are watching an amazing human being grow.
I’m in a funny headspace tonight. A weird little mood, and god knows what tomorrow will bring. But Ill be sure to reschedule the celebrations at some point. Maybe I can shave a year off and head forward into the forties a year late!! I will do it when I have the headspace to not be wallowing though. When I can devote the celebration to being with my family and friends.
Because I can do this. I just need to regroup and attack.