Normality has up and left the building!!

04/02/19

Wallowing self pity continuing today. Last night the cub must have known her mama was off, and she appeared at 2am with a torch. She was promptly dispatched to her own bed but reappeared ten mins later to check that it was a firm no! It was a firm no, which probably threw her as usually I cave first time so she was likely confused and thought the second time would be a winner. In reality and hindsight, I should have just done what I always do, let her crawl in, then I crawl out and into her bed. As 3am and I was in a weird trippy version of myself, business planning and strategising cancer – you couldn’t make it up!!

After escaping to the sofa to give the man cub some uninterrupted sleep, the alarm went off for work when I was mid planning!! Yep – work was sacked off. Dispatched the cubs and returned to my actual bed. Woke up midday and the parentals arrived with flowers and a shelf to put up! That’s what they do!! My mam does flowers, my dad does practical!

I was a proper grouch (thankfully they have to put up with me, so I’m probably at my worst behaviour with them as I know they have to love me no matter what – childish behaviour I know).

The day then ended in hilarity when the cubs returned. The small cub came in and hid her mouth while telling me she had lost her tooth. Her first one. My first thought was that she was fibbing as she is a wind up merchant, but no, hand moved away to remove a gaping gap in the middle of her lower set of teeth and it wasn’t even the full on wobbly one. She then proceeded to explain how it was lost – eating a freeby apple in Tescos and she’d swallowed the bugger. Her first tooth and she’d swallowed it. Too be honest, that had me laughing more than anything as she’s definitely our daughter!!! No bloody luck! After sneaking in to play tooth fairy duties after the cub had shouted loudly at bed time to the fairy so she knew (we’re tight and a single gold coin was all the cub got – to be fair she’d have been happy with a chocolate one) I admitted to the man cub why he had been in Tescos in the first place.

I had caved about the food taste situation and posted on the FB group what food I might actually enjoy this afternoon. I was miserable about the loss of taste buds and it appears that it isn’t going to get any better on docetaxal, probably going to get worse, and the list of food items that might assist in getting me through were:

Thai Green Curry

McDonalds

Lemon curd

Greggs

Space Raiders

Rice Crispies

Chicken kievs, beans and chips with vinegar

Salt & Vinegar crisps

Ice Cream

Sweet Chilli Crisps

Curry

Strong Cheddar on Toast

Vimto

Now, bread has tipped me over the edge – I could actually gag like a child on it, so half of these items are already on the ban list. I also don’t think crisps, cereal or hangover burgers are going to do the trick. Which leaves me with curries and ice cream. I mean, if there’s a plus side to this crazy I’ll eat that every day!! So I had messaged the man cub late afternoon to attack Tescos and get me chilli crisps and I was already planning on a chicken chilli noodle soup (usually a firm favourite this house) to see if I could kick start any pleasure in eating food.

After I had performed tooth fairy duties I ate the soup (yak), tried bread with the soup (super yak), pinched a bit of chocolate cookie to see if that could nail some taste (yak), chocolate rolls (equally yak) and then I tried some liquorice twists (something I added to the list myself as a strong aniseed taste that might break the barrier of awfulness) – yep, liquorice twists is what I am going to live on for the next nine weeks. Yay!

05/02/19

I am back on the chemo ward early doors. Had a phone call yesterday to ask me to come in and recheck my bloods. I mean, if they weren’t good last week, they gave me chemo so god help me. If they were borderline – aaaaagh – how do manage to keep it going for the next two if its that bad. But lets remember I had been poorly with the cold, so I’m sat in the waiting room at 8am, confident as, but literally falling asleep in the chair. The Unit doesn’t open until 9am and I feel like part of the furniture by the time I rock in to see the girls. Bloods taken, platelets are ok, neurolites (making these words up but I still won’t google so that’s what it sounded like!) are close to ok (good side of ok but also close to not ok). But I left in the knowledge I had made round 4 and I just needed to be really well for round 5 and 6.

After a mile walk back to work in the frosty morning I made my way through the day with my lovely colleagues who always welcome me back with open arms. And I finally was honest in my responses when I was caught off guard when I went to get coffees (to keep the eyes open). I finally admitted that I wasn’t ‘OK’, my stock response normally. I’ve been broken down to the stage where I need to admit this, and maybe this is the realisation that I need help. I know that everyone understands, everyone has probably expected it for longer than I have, no-one is judging me. But I still struggle with it, I still view this as failure on my part. I am never this low and I’m unsure now if there is a lower level this chemo will take me.

But I have my lovely CP who will ‘fix me’! And I have this. I am determined to have this.

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