There is no going back to previous life after a cancer diagnosis.
Believe me, I am procrastinating now like an absolute pro. I appreciate its absolutely ridiculous. I am now in my isolation long weekend after my fourth chemo blast, which leaves me a long time on my own while the man cub and cub are out at work and school. This time alone is not helpful for my mental health to be honest. And trying to work from home is getting harder and harder. While previously I loved a good day working from home and knocked doors out of windows, I have now lost all desire and motivation as I am tired and spend too much of my time dwelling on this bloody situation.
I have tried reading my ‘Happiness’ book today and while a bit of it resonated, I still can’t deal with it fully. I know that I need to make some changes in my thinking, but hey – I’m a good few years into my life and its difficult to change my lifetime pragmatic thinking habits! I know I need to change this thinking for the next few days, weeks, months and years as I can’t sustain this craziness, but I am finding it really hard to actually commit to the change I know I need to do. In my previous life (pre cancer diagnosis) I would have found this beyond hard to accept and take on board, and that was when I had a clearer head. I probably would have scoffed at the ideas raised around negative thinking – to be fair, I didn’t have the negative thinking to deal with. Post cancer diagnosis, I am finding this beyond challenging.
Post cancer diagnosis irretrievably changes you. There is no going back to headspace that was just full of managing three diaries. I would like to go back to those days now.
The only way I can equate the change in mind-set is that of becoming a carer of a child. If you don’t have children, you have amazing lie ins, get drunk when you want, go out when you want and have no big deals to worry about. Then a cub arrives and wham bam, lie ins are a beautiful dream; drunkenness isn’t good craic when you have to wake up early; every outing requires a thought of change clothes, bottled water, snacks, fruit, sunglasses, woolly hats etc; and worry for another human being multiplies beyond control.
Post cancer diagnosis is similar, where before I managed three diaries, flapped about uniforms and work clothes being washed and ironed, dealt with mama guilt on a daily basis (especially on a Friday when she is sometimes last in after-school club as we don’t have the luxury of finishing early), and shouting when I shouldn’t have shouted because I was tired. Post cancer, I have to factor in an additional diary of hospital appointments, still get the washing and ironing done while feeling a bit crappy, attempting to do my paid work badly, doing mama guilt in a different way – that this damn cancer may take me too soon, and shouting in frustration.
So in other words – I would really like to return to uncomplicated life pre cancer as post cancer isn’t great and I have a cub that needs me so I already have enough to deal with.
Man cub and I are happy with the start of the Six Nations last night, the cub is happy as it’s snowing and yesterday was a cheeky Inset day so no school (which meant she thought 5:30am was an acceptable time to start the day!! We’ve managed to go sledging today and while it was lovely to make more memories and fill my phone up again with a few more photos and videos I was still in a weird head space. My body is starting to feel more tired now – a short walk to our favourite sledging hill had me wiped. After making a snowman (albeit a mini one as I didn’t have the energy to crawl about making a big one), I feel guilty. I have fought so far with a lot of grit and determination and now it feels like I’m giving up the fight as I am so tired.
3:00am and I am in some weird steroid trip where my body isn’t my own and I feel like am actually floating out of bed and above my body. I am hallucinating and feel like I’m on an acid trip (I mean I’m guessing – I’ve never actually had an acid trip!). It was a long night where I didn’t ever feel like I slept. And by god, I’m sure the cub knows as she’s being proper clingy – mama, mama, mama – every two minutes. In turn I have been snappy and irritable. I still managed to boss the Sunday jobs – washing, dishes, ironing, Sunday dinner, pudding – and not fall over.
I’m getting bored already of my pity parties now. I didn’t want to change, I didn’t want this diagnosis. Now I have it I’m not quite sure how to move forward. We were talking last night about those who have similar diagnosis to me (Triple Negative) and don’t take on chemotherapy and radiotherapy as actually the ‘cancer’ has been removed. Words can be linked to that – confident/brave/assured/stupid/naïve/regretful – who am I to judge? At some points so far in this chemo journey I’d happily get off the train and say I want to end the journey now. I haven’t and I know I won’t but I daren’t dwell too much on it as an option as I may well take a assured/naïve choice!
But I did make a decision tonight. My birthday is next month – the big 40 (ssssshhh don’t tell anyone!) – and I do not want to ‘celebrate’ two days after my last chemo. I appreciate that probably is also worth a celebration but I will feel like crap and I just can’t see how I will enjoy anything properly. I want to taste a lovely meal, I want to feel good, I want to have enough energy to be excited all day long and I want to have a bloody good drink! I also want to smile, laugh and guffaw without it being forced and masking my pain. And if I already feel on the floor at 4th chemo, how will I feel two days after 6th chemo. Nope – birthday is being rearranged. Not cancelled (my family won’t forgive me!), but rearranged to a date where I can do all that I want too and feel fabulous. I just need to explain that to everyone and hope they understand. Fingers crossed my mama and the man cub get on board!!
I’m still fighting this, I have to. I and I have got this – just with a looser grip than I usually have.