Third chemo blues..

14/01/19

After the euphoria of making it through the party at the weekend being bald in front of a room full of parents of the cubs peers, and a PJ day yesterday at the request of the cub (who am I to complain about a PJ day?!), I have hit earth with an almighty bump. Five days after the third FEC drugs have been administered, and I am back at work and TIRED. No other words for it, but tired. The problem with working from home and being out of the office is that when you return to the office the entire day is made up of meetings with people who need your time face to face. Subsequently I meet myself coming backwards by the end of the days, and I am in a never ending cycle of never being able to catch up. My inbox is falling apart and my work sanity is slowly falling apart.

Add to that the taste in my mouth has reached a new low for me so far. Like I’m sucking on nails, which is delightful and doesn’t help my mood – food (nice food at that!) is something that keeps you on track in even darkest days doesn’t it? If anyone is like me, a good naughty snack on all the crap in the house is what distracts from the moment, and I can’t even do that.

Its funny (well, not really), but this year instead of resolutions re: food, I decided that we wouldn’t have the same meal twice for the year. We have never been bad at eating, but can very easily get into slumps of the same cycle. Especially weekends and Fridays and Saturdays can quickly lead to subsequent weekends of takeaways of pizzas. I was determined to change this, but the last three nights I’ve made lovely homemade meals and the only person enjoying them has been the man cub. I’ve eaten for eating sake and I’ve not enjoyed a bloody morsel of it. Aaaagh!

19/01/19

Four days into solitary confinement and I am demented. My mojo had up and went the moment I started it on Thursday and although I had some significant work to do which kind of kept me on track, I have still procrastinated in a lot of ways. I’d like to say that I’ve tidied the house in procrastination but I can’t even be bothered to do that (don’t worry the hoover still comes out every day – just not the cleaning of the skirting boards). I’ve dragged the man cub and child on a walk today to get some fresh air and it was absolutely grim. They both whinged in their own way (the cub more vocal than the man) and I think I cemented the awfulness of it when walked us into a field with three very large highland bulls! We reversed and made our way home very quickly at that point!!

Today I released my Just Giving Page for the walk I’m planning on doing in July. Twenty six miles hike round Ullswater in the Lake District. I must be bloody mad! But I’ve also managed to persuade twenty odd folk to join my madness and raise money with me. To kick off the fundraising first my lovely work colleague helped me articulate my story in a few short words, and it felt quite cathartic all over again. It’s Saturday night though, so I released it after I had a couple of drinks for dutch courage and then left it to do its thing. Hopefully I can raise what I need too, but more hopefully I can actually do the bloody walk!!

21/01/19

OK – I am not superwoman. I need to remember this. Yesterday I packed the man cub and cub off to see the family and I hoovered, washed, ironed, sorted paperwork, sorted the cubs room, then wondered why I was tired. I mean, usually that would be a couple of hours jobs and I’d still have had time to do a trip to the gym and an afternoon/early night out on the town (pre cub!), and I’d have still made it to work the next day, fresh as something flower like! Now, I am exhausted, can’t concentrate, no motivation and this is a totally alien concept to me. Never in all my working history have I not had a motivation to get a job done. Even when I was on maternity leave and three months self chosen redundancy time with my cub I was always motivated. I think today I might be on a scary downhill spiral and I’m not entirely sure how I’m going to get out of this.

24/01/19

I’ve made it back to work! After seven days of solitary confinement and a cub that has been in my bed for the last three nights with a full on cold, I have finally made it back to humanity. Oh and what a day. I had a cry before I even left the house as I finally realised that I had lost most of my eyelashes (none on the bottom lids, about five on the top) – its funny that I hadn’t even realised this the last seven days as I wasn’t really looking at my face or dealing with trying to do makeup and mascara! Lets be clear – mascara doesn’t work on five lashes!!!

So excited to get to work, I had big meetings (shocked a couple of significant folk who hadn’t seen my baldness since before Christmas which was amusing, but I did feel a bit sorry for them!). But as the day has progressed I have nosedived into looking like a snotty, weepy, coughing mess and I hate colds. I am not good with them in my best version of myself, I turn a bit pathetic and needy (man cub can contest) and whinge a lot! This will be a lot worse, I can feel it now. I can see wallowing in my own snot and self pity on the cards for the weekend and it isn’t going to be pretty.

I’m going to say that I still have this though. I’m sure I will on the other side of the cold, but I’m a baby with a cold so I’m going to reserve judgement!!!!

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