So two days after chemo and I am sat in a coffee shop with a work colleague business planning for the next year and consuming too many strong coffees in a short space of time. By lunch I was spaced out and didn’t know whether I was high on caffeine or chemo drugs!!
My head was also a little bit scrambled as well. I had made a decision last night that I was going to ring about a counsellor/psychologist appointment today. I feel like it’s time. I need to be able to work through the feelings that I have about cancer being part of my life as being my usual pragmatic self isn’t cutting it. The doubts, the prophesising about the worst, the sadness I feel – I need to work through how to process that in a positive way, as I am determined that when I am finished the medical part of this journey I will deal with this as a stronger version of me.
After making it home, I rang Pauline, my lovely Breast Care Nurse, and asked about the chances to access support – she asked me a few questions to get a ‘score’ – I’m going to guess I didn’t score highly as I definitely scored in the middle. But she’ll pass my score onto Peter, a clinical psychologist and they’ll see if I warrant an appointment.
By this point I was exhausted, so went for a lie down. My mother rang. Went back and lay down – the Tescos delivery arrived early. FML. Finally got an hour and the cub came bouncing through the door. I was exhausted.
I still had a head battering night ahead, as it is the cubs second party of the year tomorrow (and my turn to go – we take turns in this house!) and the first one that I am bald. This is the one that I had thought I would build up to wearing the wig for. But I haven’t put the wig on again yet and I’m not sure I want to. But also terrified that I will be in a room full of the cubs peers parents and I am going to look very very different! Not just for the parents, but the kids as well. The man cub offered to come with me, but I can do this. I am going to that party and I will just walk in as if nothing has changed. Ooooh, the cub needs me to be mama bear and I will do this.
This is it, what is going to be my biggest test of resolve so far with my bald head. Its bizarre isn’t it, I was ok with my work colleagues (well I was in the end), I was ok with family and friends. But now, relative strangers in the main are going to be my downfall. My biggest issue again with this baldness is that I have to explain that this is medically induced and actually I don’t ‘have’ cancer anymore. It’s the fact that as a very private person, people now know that I am going ‘through’ cancer. Its so bloody confronting and I hate it. But I am going to deal with this and it will be fine.
We get party ready – the cub with a white dress (I mean a white dress at a party – god help us!), and me bald. We were prepared. Then the cub threw a curve ball 10mins before we left the house and asked her dada to come. It certainly didn’t take much for him to be persuaded this time (he would have usually let me take the turn, but one of the reasons why I love him is he knew that I needed a bit moral support, but am also way too stubborn to ask for it!!).
We arrived, we entered a very dark room with strobe lights, we found a corner, and we adopted it! And the man cub stood proud next to me and the cub disappeared into the midst of other party dressed cubs, playing on a bouncy castle, playing games, running back to check in with us intermittingly, usually with another child in tow – and not one of them batted an eye. God, I love the innocence of children. I’m not saying that some didn’t go home and have a few questions, but they all just accepted that the cubs mama was now bald! To be honest, it was fine. The lights did go on for the eating part of the party and I was dying a bit inside, but a gorgeous couple we know who have a beautiful boy cub the same age as ours (my cub said she’s going to marry him one day as they went to nursery together!!!!) had been talking with us and though they might have been shocked they hadn’t made a deal of it, and that was all that I needed.
I made it. Party done, homeward bound and I feel stronger than I have in a while. I know that people will talk (and that is ok), that people will want to check in with us (again that is ok) and that I might finally let some walls down to let people be there for us as a family (more than ok). I also know that I don’t have to hide, regardless of whether I feel like I want to.
As I’ve got this. I really have (along with my No. 1 & 2 supporters!).