So I got into my first argument on Facebook today and I didn’t like it much! I should explain I’m not one to put a lot of myself out there on social media (hilarious that I publish my most intimate journey here – I get the hypocrisy!). Facebook has grown around me but having never been ‘brought up’ with it, it hasn’t perforated every pore. I am a residual stalker, I have a few friends and I follow a few family friendly groups.
When I was first diagnosed with cancer I knew I would never seek answers from Dr. Google, but having seen other groups being enormously helpful for people I wondered if there was a group that was set up to support women with breast cancer. I found a secret one and while I spent the first few months stalking at the sidelines and trying to work my head around different treatments (there are many) and whether they might apply to me, I found it most helpful when someone posted at a point in their journey that resonated with me. Hair loss was one of those topics and my first public comment was to see what peoples thoughts were on ‘taking control’ of the shave. I received loads of support and was grateful for those that commented and reached out.
But today was slightly different. It was early morning, I had packed the cub and man cub off to school and work and was doing my usual FB scroll, when a post popped up that set my teeth on edge. Someone was getting their head shaved for charity and it knocked me sick. I put myself in the shower, had a coffee and was still feeling mad about it. So I posted the following:
I’ve just got so (irrationally?) angry after seeing a post about someone voluntarily shaving their head to raise money for a charity. Where normally this would pass me by in the grand scheme of things, having recently had to be forced to shave my head (yes, I made the choice due to drugs to help me beat cancer – I know), I found it such bad taste. Don’t get me wrong, I get it’s fundraising, but it has just really hit a nerve! Sorry to rant! Now I’ll make another coffee and try and start the day again!
So from my comment, I already explain that this is irrational, that normally I wouldn’t have thought a thing about this, that this was unique to me and timing wise I was struggling with the whole thing. I’ve made no secret that hair loss has been one of the worst parts of this journey. I also wasn’t naïve to the fact that this would be contentious as my previous question on the group had elicited quite strong views in people ‘taking control’ of the hair loss.
First few comments were ok, both sides of the fence were tread, which was fine. Everyone was respectful in their view. Some totally believe in ‘brave the shave’ and there is no denying that it does raise a lot of money for a lot of different cancer charities. Families doing it alongside those dealing with cancer is a common theme and pub fundraisers are a great way to get people digging in their pockets and donating. There were others like me who hated it, felt it was demeaning, belittled what we have to do to get through chemo and that those with choice don’t fully comprehend the psychological impact this has.
Then bam…. In she swooped. Totally unexpected.
I think it’s a really brave thing for people to do, who don’t have to lose their hair, but do it to raise money for amazing causes.
Now, couple of things here – ‘brave’? ‘Brave’? I’m still not sure that brave is the word I would use for this. Also, I don’t think I disagreed that people are raising money for charity. I bloody get that. But it got worse – much worse.
I don’t think that just because we have cancer, you should have a chip on your shoulder about it.
Woooooooaaaaaah. A chip on my shoulder. I mean, if anything was going to make me lose my shit more than the original issue of the day was being told that I had a chip on my shoulder. My response:
I think it’s a bit harsh to suggest I have a chip on my shoulder when everyone else has commented respectfully whatever their views. Your comment is neither helpful and frankly disrespectful.
Then she came back. I mean, surely take a hint and leave it there dear.
Well the person that you wrote about in a secret group may feel disrespected by what you put.
Yep – the entire reason I posted it in a ‘Secret’ group in the first place. I don’t want to upset people who are doing great things, raising money for charities and worthy causes the length and breadth of the country. What I had needed was some perspective. Perspective from people who had been in exactly the same situation as myself. I wasn’t seeking confirmation of my ‘irrational’ thoughts. I wanted opinions and views from both sides. Which is what I was getting from lots of other people. Both sides of the coin were commented. What I didn’t need was to be told I had a chip on my shoulder. By this point I was at new levels of fury. My response though was measured and polite:
Maybe if you haven’t got anything constructive or nice to say, scroll on past and don’t comment.
Within minutes she had removed her comments. Now, that said a lot to me. She obviously had a reflect on what she had said. Or she didn’t trust herself to comment further. Whatever her reason, I chuckled. I read the rest of the comments and they continued to be a mixed bag. Those who felt like I had this morning, those who had stepped past it, those who had embraced it in their own way. All done respectfully and no judgement on each of us in this journey.
I came away believing that we are all on this cancer journey, the same as our life journey; which messes with our heads some days, screws our minds other days . And actually we don’t owe judgement on anyone to get through their day. We have no idea what journey someone made at any point of their day, week, month, year. Tolerance is a great attribute and if someone feels passionately about something, we should recognise that while that may not be our go to thought, something has triggered that and we can’t pretend to know how that feels.
I’ve still got this journey, but also recognising that I might need some extra help with the thought process around it. My usual pragmatic, stubborn nature isn’t quite cutting it any more and I need to work out how to change that hard wiring! But I’ve still got this!!