My third chemo card from my wonderful colleague at work, and I so needed it ‘You got this’. Two days back into work and she couldn’t have nailed the sentiment more. I don’t have to keep spinning all the plates, I don’t have to always have it. But my poor little head is now getting a mental battering that I cannot do everything. It was so good to read in words from someone else though and I’d imagine that I will revisit this card over the coming months to remind myself of the message.
I also now have a wig. Yesterday at the same time of day I was excited. Today I am not and I have not worn it! I feel more self conscious now than ever. I might leave it until I have to face people who don’t know what I’m going through. That was the main reason I got it – so I didn’t have to cringe inside under the gazes of other people. Certainly a lot of parents at the school don’t know (winter is great for hiding a bald head under a woolly hat!). I’ve got a cubs party next Saturday -maybe I will do it then after a play with the wig in the house (by myself and without anyone wanting to share it!). There’s also a lot of external work colleagues that I will need to see in coming weeks and again, I had planned that the wig would be my confidence boost, my ability to still rock into a room, be the strong, feisty woman that everyone knows; without anyone doubting my ability, my strength or anything else that they may feel they will question. I know this sounds irrational as my pragmatic head wouldn’t do that myself but my little irrational devil is chipping away at my mind-set and has me second guessing actions that wouldn’t have phased me before this journey started.
First chemo of 2019, third chemo of six due today. But pre chemo I am booked in with the Oncologist. Maybe I might find out about radiotherapy!
Nope, oncologist appointment and I didn’t get to meet the scary woman, but got to meet a lower level of the clan. I was asked whether I had any side effects from the chemo – I mentioned I had crazy eyes and my wrist (vein) pain – then said no to anything else. However the questions didn’t stop there – he proceeded to ask about every side effect that was possible to which I responded ‘no’ too for every one. I thought I’d covered that by my initial no!! The man cub was twitching with frustration at this point!! The only thing the questions did was prolong the appointment by another three minutes. I was advised I could get a prescription for the poorly eyes and could pick up at the pharmacy in the hospital.
When I was finally finished saying no, I asked what would happen with radiotherapy. ‘Have you had your pre assessment appointment’. No. ‘You’ll find out then’….. Great, thanks, good to know. Thanks mate. We left in a record breaking five minutes of entering, with a prescription, and no further forward. I thought the man cub was going to internally combust.
We then tried to go and get some headscarves as I still wasn’t wearing the wig and my head was still bloody freezing. That didn’t go well either – we caught the volunteer on the hop, setting up and not in the zone. I got wrong for trying a head scarf on; ‘people don’t like it’ (well people can wash the bloody scarves), was flashed a lot of styles, had to pay cash, cash had to be taken to finance office, did I have change, if the finance office was shut I might not get changed…. We left with two scarves. And a mood that was dropping further.
Back on the ground floor of the hospital, and with plenty of time before chemo (they’d given us half an hour between appointments – that hadn’t been needed), we searched for the pharmacy which it transpired wasn’t signposted until halfway along a corridor and was in the bowels of the lower ground level. It was a quiet walk between us – we were both trying to maintain normality. We should have known at this point the day was fated. Yep, the hospital didn’t stock that prescription and I would need to go to a local pharmacy. We both buckled and burst out laughing. This is our luck. This is what we laugh at. We could have cried, but laughing was our go to and we belly laughed all the way back to the chemo ward – the nurses totally think we’re mad – who enters the chemo ward still laughing?!
I’m half way there. But god, I will not miss this cocktail. The ward is still as impersonal as ever and as I was on the main ward today it was worse than usual. The red drugs entered for the last time, and then the other two lots. But we’re done with them. Also got a little bit of information from the nurses who said I’d go a big hospital in town for four to five weeks for radiotherapy. While that sounds logistically gruelling its doable and more information than we have had.
But we’re done. Halfway there. And I’ve still got this. I’m clinging on to the fact I have. Its getting harder though….