So what made me think that going for cocktails the day after chemo and shaving my head was going to be a good idea. But I did it! Only two cheeky afternoon cocktails, and a good chat with two good friends. We swapped news, and I sat with a warm woolly hat on for an hour. Then I got hot, scratchy and frankly the hat was coming off!! These two weren’t bother – to be fair they have seen me in a lot worse states than my hair loss is showing off now! And also know far too many of my secrets so I have to trust them with this one!! Walking through the bar wasn’t that scary – strangers don’t know me, don’t know if I’m rocking a look, have alopecia or actually as the truth would be have had cancer. And I don’t care much about strangers opinions. I never have. I will never see them again. What I am more worried about is tomorrow, when I am popping into work to see one of the girls off to a new job, and they are my colleagues, my friends, and know me (also might have seen some states of hair!). I am dreading it. Every second of it. But I don’t have a wig yet, I don’t own any fancy hats, I have a lot of woolly hats – but they look a bit daft indoors. I’d rather just own it than look daft – I do that enough of the time with other stuff!!!
The man cub picked me up after getting cub from school, and came in to get me. He looked shocked I had braved it, but the cub didn’t bat an eyelid. She didn’t care. I follow that lead!
Well considering I only had two cocktails, after an hour up to get cub and man cub out the house to school and work, I returned to bed and didn’t get up until 12! Must have needed that!!
It gave me less hours to panic about the work function. I got dressed, and just got on the bus and off I went. I was anxious as I approached work, but could see them all in the bar as I got closer, so went and prepared in the office. I didn’t want to walk in and pretend I was doing a big reveal. And this night was nothing about me. It was about a lovely girl I have worked with for three year, going on to the next part of her adventure and I wasn’t taking away from that. So I wanted to just own this, let no one make a deal of it, and focus still on the gorgeous girl leaving our midst. So I pulled on the big girl pants, walked in with a bottle of prosecco (we were doing BYOB) and just poured a drink! Joined a table, and started up conversation as if nothing was different. And I think it worked. No-one made a fuss, no-one made any significant comment, and life continued. Hopefully I achieved my aim.
Again I didn’t stay too long (I’m not sure a drunken version of myself, two days post chemo bald, would make good company once the drunken arse kicks in – I don’t quite trust where it would go yet – maybe weepy, maybe angry – none good).
Not winning today. I don’t have Santas presents, and the cub has asked for two things. Two. And I have failed spectacularly to prepare for the fact that she has asked for two things that are not in fashion anymore – loom bands and a Little Miss Princess Mr Men book. These things do not exist on the common market because they are not in fashion. Why I did I not anticipate that a three year old craze would be hard to pull off in normal retail park shops three days before Christmas. After a fruitless search of said local retail park, I have resorted to Amazon Prime, setting up a student account, graduating in the next two years to get guaranteed delivery on Christmas Eve. This is tipping a bit of my anxiety too a significant high. Ever the pragmatist, I refused to let it get me down. I decided to trust the millions that already use Amazon Prime (maybe knocked a prayer to some Gods), and had confidence I would save Christmas. However I have never been this disorganised – not with the child. And feeling constantly a bit ropey – not ill, but just ‘not right’ – was knocking me.
P.S. Hat didn’t come off in public today. The risk of seeing someone I might know amongst the hoard of strangers was too much and I couldn’t quite face it.
Two days before Christmas, and I woke up and realised we hadn’t done a yearly tradition of going to see Fenwicks window. So off we went (and I maybe thought we secretly might beat Amazon Prime and find Santas present!). Town came up trumps for somethings – I did manage to successfully buy some other presents that I also needed – I was back in my usual groove of being unorganised but bossing it with no stress at the end of the day! Still no success and still relying on a 10pm order from last night for delivery tomorrow. Eeeek. Fingers crossed now.
10am, knock at the door. Santa has saved the day via a miserable Amazon driver who dropped off the three presents that will make the cubs day. Two boxes of loom bands which I’m sure I will regret and my hoover will be acquainted with soon, and a Little Miss Princess book. I am now a convert to Prime and its merits. Food is in, required presents are here (yet to be wrapped of course but that’s tonights job with a couple of drinks in hand!). The cub and man cub leave to go and see family. I hibernated (still not braving the bald fully) and did boring household tasks.
But reflecting on this time of year, I have maintained normality. I have bought late, swung close to the line and still managed to achieve it. We will go into Christmas Day tomorrow, just the three of us, where we can spend time together, appreciate the good things in life and just be together. I can’t wait.
I still have this, I am still the Mama Bear of this house and I appreciate it all.