Last day at work before first chemo and I got the best card – ‘This is shit’, and it truly is. I also got a wonderful, thoughtful present – a set of noise cancelling headsets which would help with the chatty chemo nurses! I was so touched by the message and sentiment. Its amazing what people do for you and the depths of peoples emotions and how they have reacted to this cancer and I couldn’t do it without my army behind me. It might be a small army, but they are my army and I love them all.
Its chemo day! We have a later start as take the cub to school rather than launching her out at breakfast club. I feel a bit exposed being there as I am the stranger at the gate. The last time I did this was when she first started school a year ago in Reception and now she is in Year 1 full of confidence and sass. I feel like everyone knows and I don’t want them to feel pity for me. The man cub then treats me to a coffee as we aren’t due in the hospital until 10 and I feel its going to be long day. We also dropped into the chemist to get some paracetamol as I’d read that it helps with cold capping – still haven’t decided though – and the lovely sales assistant advised me not to take more than the recommended does of eight tablets in twenty four hours! She doesn’t have a clue how many drugs are going in my body today. We chuckled on the way back to the car.
Once we arrived at the hospital we waited until 10.30 to go into the ward. I spent a good fifteen minutes of that time laughing at a sign six foot up on a blank part of the wall, in the smallest writing advertising that this was indeed a Waiting Room. It’s the small things that keep me entertained!
Once in the chemo unit, I can’t describe how impersonal it is – it is literally a waiting room of folk at various stages of their chemo, finding a seat and taking up a position with the drips in arms. You wouldn’t want to talk about anything personal – theres ten other people sat within earshot doing all they can to listen. The nurses on the ward are all lovely, but it doesn’t provide me with any comfort at the crazy time.
I was given a humongous anti sickness tablet which had to be taken before treatment could start. Then a lot of paperwork was discussed around the number of drugs I was about to take. Followed by agreement that I would cold cap. I made that decision there and then. I might not have bothered had I known the faff that was about to ensue!! At least with cold capping I was in an area of the room that was more private and not as easily overheard. It was a good job as I got conditioner lathered on my hair (to keep the cap stuck to my head apparently), then three nurses and twenty minutes later we still didn’t have the bloody cold cap on my heard. It’s a weird contraption, mix between a swimming cap of thick rubber and a jockeys helmet. But they couldn’t get the sizing right for my head!! I did start laughing hysterically at one point. It was maybe an omen. Devastatingly, I couldn’t get the headset to my ears
The kicker was then the timings. I had to sit with it on my head at minus four to six degrees for thirty minutes pre drugs going in then ninety minutes after the drugs had gone in (which in itself would take half an hour). At that point I sent the man cub into town. We were both bored and there was no point both of us being bored! Those first thirty minutes went quickly – and then Julie started with the six enormous syringes (two lots of red ones which would mean red pee apparently! Good job she remembered to share that nugget with me). Once the drugs had all gone through the drip, I then sat for the longest ninety minutes of my life. My head was so cold I started to shudder and couldn’t even talk straight – it was like the weirdest drunkenness ever.
Finally managed to leave the hospital at 3.30 and was starving! Ate like an absolute horse and don’t feel too bad. No sickness, but feel tired. I think its emotionally exhausting though. My bestie had me crying on the phone tonight when she was crying. I want a big hug off her.
But first chemo down, and I have this. And surprisingly I have laughed a lot today, its just what me and my man cub do – we laugh. He is definitely in my army.