It’s a week since I’ve put pen to paper. Why? Because life has continued as it usually does. It has gone quiet again. I managed to skip past Children in Need this year – I never miss it. My most memorable Children in Need was returning to the home the man cub and I first shared a little bit worse for wear and after he had fallen into bed I watched the late part of the programme where the sob stories really kick in and in a drunken stupor I managed to donate £100 with the sky remote alone! That was a tight month thereafter and I’ve had the remote hidden from me every year since! Also, the blubbing would have been epic.
I braved a kids party on Saturday but it was for the ‘other’ Year 1 class so only a few people there, none that I knew, so I escaped under the radar while supping coffee and watching a click and climb wall which I totally wanted to do! I wonder what the conversation will go like when I have no hair. That is dwelling on my mind a lot at the moment. My hair has never been my crowning glory, I have an unruly , not quite curly but wavy, fluffy barnet that does not do as it is told and moisture is it’s nemesis.
I read today that someone in the FB group I follow hasn’t been offered a ‘lift’ on their well boob to align them after surgery. My consultant must be amazing as he was quick off the mark to mention it – I mean I am really lopsided already!! He’s never had an issue with mentioning it and I never even raised it first. I didn’t expect it to be honest and I’m still not sure I want to do it but at least I have the option. It appears some others aren’t even being given that. I’ve read a bit more today about the Triple Negative type of cancer I had is a big thing, and then I stopped. It’s out. I need to focus on that for the moment.
I’m still really haunted by thoughts of no hair and having real palpitations about getting it cut short on Saturday. I’ve not had a good nights sleep for weeks, and dwelling on it is driving me wild. I’ve read today that even cold capping, people lose their hair between days 10 -15 and it can come out in clumps. So then loads just shave it anyway. Aaaagh.
Work is absolutely crazy and I can’t seem to get on top of it fully. I feel like I’m losing days as chemo fast approaches and I’m not sure how to deal with it. Today was one of those crazy days at work. It still feels like I am drowning as I battle with competing emotions in my head. I’m trying to be all things and I’ve barely got my head (and hair!) above water. I seem to forget that emotionally I am dealing with quite a big elephant, while still trying to be superwoman working full time, co-parenting a wild five year old cub, managing a household while trying to look after me. It all feels a little bit too much at times.
I’ve quipped twice today about my chemo. The first in a meeting was ok, as I played the card at the right time! But the second went very quiet and awkward. Then I felt quiet and awkward, and why did I? I shouldn’t have too. But its strange how other people feel uncomfortable and then I feel like I need to keep it on the down low. We should all be shouting about this damn illness. But we’re typically British in our approach to it I’ve realised. It is such a weird place to be – visible illness is easier to deal with as people have to confront it and usually check in. Invisible illness is easier to ignore and this has certainly felt isolating throughout. Why would it not when I’ve spent the last two weeks doing everything I usually do, looking like I normally look. But hiding under a cloud – a cloud that I have to carry while doing everything else and its hard.
I’ve started to think a lot about what is happening to look for cures and while I know that I have given money to a lot of good causes, I’m not sure that I understand the clever world of the scientists that are looking for cures. While I live in this crazy world now, I’m not sure I could even process half and a quarter of what I would read, but I’ve made myself a promise to make sure I do read more about it, I do understand more about it and I know where the money needs to go to make a difference. Because surely there are clever enough people on this planet right now to tackle this. I have to believe that. Along with making sure that everyone, and I mean everyone, checks their boobs!
I’ve still got this, I’m sure, just possibly a bit less hairy in future!