So cancer is out, I am back at work and the world keeps spinning. In all fairness, of course it does, that is the natural way of life. Something bad happens, we process it, we move on. At no point do I think that should be different. But living that different world is something I am not used too.
I woke up flat and can’t shake it. It doesn’t seem real somehow. I thought I’d be euphoric but I don’t really feel anything. I want to get the chemo started, but that’s another wait I’m sure (probably two weeks!!), I keep thinking that once the chemo is over I’ll feel relief, but now I know that I’ll have a decision to make following genetics results, a decision either way. And then radiotherapy. So it won’t be finished then even.
And then other thoughts creep in. Cancer has crept into my body once. It could easily happen again. Even in the most innocuous moments, that funny little headspace keeps opening up and flip me into the dark demon space. The cub asks for a hug ‘on the good booby’ and I am reminded all over again that she is also affected by this. She asks whether the scar still hurts (she sees this because I am also the mama bear who has zero private space ever!) and gets upset that the scar won’t disappear. My life is now irreversibly defined by this goddamn cancer.
Today, however, was the longest day I managed to spend at work since my operation which was defining but ruining. An 8 – 5 and it was tiring as, but I also felt real again. I knocked doors out of windows and it was a good distraction, this was me at my best and full on function.
So after a full day yesterday, I returned to my usual sporadic presence at work and buggered off on a half day so the man cub and I could get our flu jabs. Another side product of cancer that the whole family should be flu jabbed to the hilt. I’ve never been one to research / avoid vaccinations (don’t judge me) as I’ve always been a believer in common good, but for once I did take a second to think about whether this was another reason to down modern medicine and join the masses who believe in earthly healing (and I probably offend at this point but I am a uneducated cretin in that regard). Do you know what – who knows what really works, because all of the millions that goes into cancer research, aids recovery, drug rehabilitation, stroke recovery, dementia, Parkinsons (the list goes on); do we know if it is working up towards a cure? Cynical minds (and drunken minds) have always discussed a monopoly market. But do we really know? To be honest my mind is to full to deal with processing more than it can at the moment – I’ll save that thought for another day.
As we sit in the doctors surgery as a family of three, the cub is bouncing about like a lunatic – it’s a public space and she has a sitting audience which panders to a five year olds needs like no other. Luckily, the man cub gets called first and much as I try to keep the cub with me waiting, she wants to know ‘whats going on’ so wanders off with him. Literally twenty seconds later (and a full waiting room of old folk) I get a shout out ‘Kirsty, you can take your top off now and get a pin’ from a very excited five year olds voice. I wanted to sink into the chair and pretend I didn’t know what was going on, but the five year old cub had other idea. ‘Mama, MAMA’, was then shouted very loudly. As if it wasn’t enough that she was yelling, I was sat in the furthest corner of the waiting room and had to do quite a walk of shame to get to the yelling cub and usher her up the corridor to the nurses room. I mean I love her, but she can take me down in a heartbeat!
Woohoo – PJ day! And I didn’t even suggest it. Cub rocks in to wake us up (as is standard Saturday morning crack!) and immediately suggest that today is a PJ day and she is off to get into her super warm, cosy, fluffy PJ’s! At this point, who am I to argue! I’m all over a PJ day!! I love the normality that a cub brings to proceedings. By 4pm (as my OCD broke me and I tried to get control of the household cleanliness routine!) the hoover appeared and I got a helping hand with that too (I say helping, I mean hindering, I mean I re-hoovered – she will never know!!).
My days are made up of memories – random little chats (mama, are you older than me – erm yes!), belly aching laughs, hiccups, bruises (not caused by us! Bouncing off god knows what!). My sensible head says I’ll be here for all of those future memories. That demon head tells me I won’t.
My message to my cub is to live every day as if it was your first. Drink in every new experience, act like a newborn experiencing the first drink, the first smell, the first kiss, the first hug. The last seems too final, a way out. And we aren’t looking for a way out. We need to find a way in – to peoples hearts, minds and souls. We need to define a way to break cancer – and anyone can join!