The insanity (and emotions) of waiting AGAIN!

11/10/18

Wound check booked in for the 12/10. And follow up booked for 24/10 (two weeks – again. 2 weeks. Just the natural timescale of things in this bloody cancer journey).

How is it possible that two small weeks, 14 small days, can break every faucet of your sanity and have you wishing time away more than usual. Its just so hard. And I am certainly more than bored with this now. I am also feeling significantly better. I haven’t taken any painkillers today which would have been unheard of last time. What a difference not having those pesky lymph nodes out.

I feel quite flat today still. I still can’t quite believe it might be out. I’ve put a good face on it, but I’ve no where to turn. The FB group I joined is a baffling arena. A lot of words I don’t understand and if I Googled I probably would, but that rabbit hole isn’t worth exploring. Someone did say that they were at the end of their treatment, and that was when emotions hit. When will that be me? Although I did have a chuckle with someone when they said their hair was growing back brown and curly after being blonde and straight. I told her I hoped to go the other way!

Fuelled by a bit  (make that quite a bit!) of dutch courage, tonight is the night I have shared my FB blog page onto my personal page, with my FB friends (which includes real friends!). It was the first time that I felt like I could share the word and be strong enough to deal with the fall out. It felt like I could own this, even though I was feeling a bit down. I needed some positivity and I wanted to share the message. It was also quite cathartic.

12/10/18

Received the nicest gift from a beautiful soul – a book entitled ‘F*** you Cancer’ and a wee acorn bracelet. I’m going to use the picture on an older related post which I am about to release, as it’s appropriate, but the absolute sentiment nearly broke me. My breathing started getting out of control again. And I had dark thoughts early doors about those damn lymph nodes. Why does your mind do that to you? Sneak negative thoughts when you want to feel a bit happier.

I had the wound check today and had to take my mother. She was not invited in to meet the lovely Pauline though! All positive at the check, and still another possible empty promise that I might get results back quicker (this is me remember, I will not hold my breath!). I still have cording which I need to keep doing exercises for, and I am still numb under my armpit. Its still the weirdest feeling putting deodorant on but apart from that I don’t even notice it.

13/10/18

I am off to a wedding. And I am really excited, but also couldn’t feel less attractive or more tired. The child got a last minute invite which I am grateful for as she will keep me distracted, and I cannot wait to see the dress. As work colleagues we have lived the planning of this wedding over the last few weeks, and I’m sure this is dress number 7! Could be more! The lead up to going to the wedding was also hilarious as the cub asked me why her daddy hadn’t married me. Then asked him why! And said that if he loved me he should and she would like a wedding! She might break him yet!!

P.S The dress was gorgeous, I mean absolutely stunning. Perfect night for a perfect couple.

17/10/18

I’m back at work. I feel better, and it is constantly on the back of my mind that I am using up sickness absence that I may need with chemo. Its all fair and well the hospital saying ‘take months off’ but it doesn’t pay the bills. Plus I am absolutely demented and need the distraction. Work is so busy at this time of year and I thrive on that. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I spend my days dealing with the most bizarre situations that I would need another blog to deal with! But the social interaction and daily chuckles keep me from sinking into a hole of self doubt, a wallowing place where I doubt everything I feel and could get close to Googling the life out of my symptoms. I have avoided that so far and I am determined to keep doing so! (I so avoid it, that when pregnant I was no where near prepared for the actual labour bit, when they check how far along you are. Any other mama bear knows what I mean, but I still remain in complete shock about that situation!).

20/10/18

I’m starting to feel like a fraud. I don’t have a visible disability. I don’t feel unwell (now). I am functioning physically as I always have done. I am mentally a bit battered, but for all sense and purpose nothing has changed. Which means when I see friends, I struggle to articulate how I feel. The answer to everything is ‘I’m fine’, but that isn’t really the case. I am changed. I have changed. I have a scar that will remind me always that cancer was taken out of my body. And I have a numb armpit! That wasn’t something I ever expected at the start of this journey!! And at some point I will need to tap into counselling. Something I never thought I would do, but something I now know I will need. It does feel like the psychological impact of cancer is underestimated in its entirety. I don’t know if I would get it if I asked for it. I may well. But it hasn’t been offered (apart from a nod to it in case we wanted to consider fertility issues at the start and that I might get it when chemo starts). At this moment we are dealing with the ‘cancer’. Which is good and I am happy with that. But reading the FB group page I joined, it seems common that second surgery is a thing. Which is devastating for all concerned.

23/10/18

The night before the consultant appointment. It doesn’t really have the same ring as the Night before Christmas does it?!! I also have the genetics appointment tomorrow so it’s going to be a busy day of information overload! I feel mad at Cancer tonight. Annoyed that I am living this damn journey and some self pity is creeping in, which isn’t something I need. Even if the Cancer is all gone tomorrow, I still have to go through chemo. Which I still can’t get my head round that this is when I will ‘look’ ill, but actually be Cancer free. What do I say to the cub then? I am fine – just dealing with a gruelling regime to make sure it doesn’t ever come back. Again, I don’t fully understand it

But I’ve got this. Always!

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