Well I might have woken up with a wee hangover and headed into work with what felt like the weight of the world on my shoulders. Drinking and dark thoughts are not a good idea, even less so the next morning with a headache and dark thoughts. I was in a stinking mood. My poor work colleagues didn’t ask any tricky questions thankfully and allowed me to pull myself together before I dropped the news that the cancer was still there. I needed another operation and was still in amongst this crazy journey of being a cancer patient.
After making it to 2pm, I finally bailed it (thankfully my employer is awesome!) and went home. I crawled into bed for an afternoon nap, still feeling so annoyed and frustrated. This was definitely the worst I had felt in this whole sorry journey so far. I didn’t even feel this bad after the initial diagnosis, but I think the fact that cancer is still part of my body is preying on my mind the longer it is in there. Also found out today that a friend has skin cancer. God, that bloody word. I hate it.
Last night was a funny one – I went to a friends birthday gathering and it was one of those where everyone asks ‘how are you’ with a raised eyebrow and a look. I mean, my answer was ‘I’m fine’. But what else do you say in that situation – you can’t start blubbing and breaking down. But that’s the issue – I don’t ‘look’ like a cancer patient. Which is bizarre isn’t it, you don’t look like a cancer patient when the actual cancer is in your body. You only start looking like one when you have chemo, which in most cases is after cancer has been removed from your body (I mean I say most cases, I am not an expert on this, that is just me; some people do have chemo first before surgery to shrink the cancer tumour but they just tried to get mine out – and when I say tried, they didn’t try hard enough!!). I do wonder whether people would deal with it better if I was a mess?
It doesn’t feel like it was just last week that I got told I’m back in for surgery and that cancer is still invading my body and soul. The cording in my armpit is killing me still (but I am a bit lax with the exercises as keep forgetting to do them!!). The bloody waiting game is an absolute pain, but thankfully as I work with University students it is FRESHERS!! Our busiest week of the calendar year and I am back to buzzing about it. It is also an amazing distraction for me as I am not a patient mama bear. Although the workload is brutal for the week (and I forget a few times that I can’t lift and carry as was witnessed by a few folk as I chucked a chair across the room when the pain in my arm reminded me), I am back in my happy, normal, me place. I am back to being the usual stubborn pain in the backside that my lovely team and colleagues have to deal with. I’m a little bit shouty again, which is what they know and expect!
Hen Do time! After a brutal week, I made the decision to go to a colleague and friends hen do. It also got me out of another childs party but meant I had to do the next day! I had an amazing time, and as I didn’t know the majority of company it was refreshing not being eyed up with pity. I felt a lot more like me again. I can’t say that I was my freshest self the next day at the first party I have had to do this year, but it felt ok finally taking the cub to a party where she loves every minute of it. I worked hard on my crazy anxiety and sat with other mams, making small talk, supping a coffee and at no point saying anything about the internal hell that we as a family were living. Its not a conversation opener that’s for sure!
After a long and tiring Freshers week, I am ready for this surgery. I need it. Tomorrow I need to go back to sleep in a hospital gown and pray (hmmm) that my lovely surgeon gets the last bit of this cancer out. I need it out of my body now. My mind is all over the place, every pain in my body starts my brain going into overload. Has the cancer spread. Is it seeping into my body. My sane mind knows this isn’t a thing (I haven’t started any googling yet so that’s still a good sign!). The cancer cloud still hangs over though and it is relentless in its mission to break you.
But I’ve still got this. I’m still fighting and I’m still waiting!!