Mixing up all the emotions!

21/09/18

Genetics sent me a letter. And requested an appointment. WTAF. I was utterly convinced that it would go nowhere. I’ve read that 90% of breast cancer isn’t hereditary. So I have no idea what I would possibly need to see them for. Although I don’t doubt they are clever folk, I really don’t know what I am going to say to them. I then rang the lovely folk upwards of twenty times to make the ‘actual’ appointment and bounced between an answer machine and ringing out. That wasn’t annoying much!

22/09/18

So I’m missing another childs party. It was a long day and I did a bit of wallowing today. Left alone in the house, after a second week off work. I had no cleaning, no ironing, no hoovering. So I sat with cabin fever. I am desperate to start the next phase of this journey and be done with. Come on time and waiting, bring it on!

24/09/18

I went back to work today and I was tired by 11am. My arm was bloody killing as well still and I was popping codeine like they were sweets (only prescription level!). I was absolutely well in my whole self (apart from the nagging pain under my armpit, down the back of my arm, the two tendons that looked like they were popping out of my armpit were definitely odd and my boob was sore).

Genetics ring back midday finally and offer me an appointment locally on 24/10. Really?! A whole month later. There is no urgency in this whole journey that’s for sure! I asked for one at their main centre, they offered the day after. I took the one local!! (More waiting).

I made it through work until 2pm, went on a mission for the bus, got halfway and realised I had no house keys! What a bloody rookie error. I was furious! I did the lived experience of handing the keys I locked the house with to man cub as the driver as they usually live in the car, blatantly forgetting that I didn’t have my own in my bag. Foresight is a wonderful invention and if someone could make it kick in more than twenty minutes before you actually need it, it would be worth a bloody fortune. Frantic message to a friend and neighbour and after a wander round the town centre and spending money on clothes to make me happy (!), I finally got a lift to said neighbours, and then waited until the man and cub came home. I was tired again!

 

I was searching a few blogs tonight. And didn’t immediately feel bad reading them. I always thought I would. I still haven’t googled anything. I never have (ask anyone who was around me during pregnancy and they will tell you I valiantly avoided any ‘training’ about what would happen! It took me 18 hours to realise I was having contractions!!). The problem with reading blogs though is that they aren’t at the same stage as you. In some instances I don’t even know what the terminology is referring too. There seems to be a lot of chemo terminology and I know I’m going to end up down a google warren sooner or later as clever consultants are notoriously bad at the human touch!

 

25/09//18

Bored, bored, bored with the pain now. It is somewhat annoying, shooting in an area that in the normal days of life you never feel! Like seriously, have a think about the last time you appreciated you could feel anything in your armpit and down the back of your arm. You never do. Shaving an area that has no feeling is also the weirdest feeling.

 

I’ve got the consultant tomorrow and dark thoughts are still there and growing. I don’t want to be beaten by this. My baby needs me, the man cub needs me (I think!), but I NEED THEM. My world is too short – I want every day to last 12 hours longer. I read today that 84% of women with breast cancer are not told about the possibility of developing long term anxiety and depression by healthcare professionals (Breast Cancer Care) and it struck a chord. I got it. I actually really got it. This damn cancer does make you doubt your place on earth. Counsellors have only been mentioned twice in this whole journey, firstly in case I wanted to have more kids (I hadn’t and don’t – but by heck it gets you thinking when you know you might not be able to), and secondly after surgery when chemo had started (probably for the body image, but I am guessing). It all felt a bit blasé, after the fact, I might appear to be the strongest, feistiest mama bear, and I probably would clam up in a room with a stranger, but I do think there’s a case for something further here. Its something I need to come back to when my head is straighter.

 

Consultant appointment tomorrow. I may have had a couple of drinks while I scribbled my heady thoughts and I am dreading it. It feels like it will be ‘move forward or stay put’. And now my head is in a negative place (damn cancer and damn drink!). Aaaagh!!

 

I still got this though. Game face ready for work again tomorrow. I am on it, I am ready and I am still fighting this.

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