Random thoughts …..

25/07/18

  • Got to say denial is the best form of survival at first. Its easy to fall into, ignore the facts, avoid Google articles, but then social media / standard media seem to know. And I mean know. All articles I see are related, someone who is in end stage cancer, writing letters to her child. What am I supposed to do with that information.
  • Why are other people seeming to be more upset than I am? I’m still ignoring its happening. Everyone else is treating it for real. I don’t quite know how to deal with that.
  • The lump is huge. I mean huge. How did I not even feel it before. It feels deformed. Much more pronounced. How did Ryan not feel it. Why?
  • Who do you tell? I’m going to be off work, I’m going to be unavailable, I’m going to meet people who I used to know and look different. How do you announce it? How do you drop it into random conversation.
  • Other people are quick to tell you about their troubles / the person / friend / aunt / cousin who had breast cancer. They got well / wasn’t a bother / chemo was a breeze / didn’t lose their hair / died (WTAF). Why do I need to hear this? It’s the eggshells that I feel like I’m walking on. I end up apologising for giving people bad news. And nodding that it will be all ok. Of course it will be. IT ISN’T – what would have been ok would have been this never happening.
  • I’m worried about the historical issues I’ve had with surgery, the healing, bruises, bleeding,  the scars that more surgery will give (I’ve already got enough, I don’t need anymore!).
  • My breathing is out of control. For the last couple of years, I have started showing stress n my breathing, the worse my stress the more my breathing becomes out of control and I end up gasping for breath. This has not helped that situation whatsoever and where previous stress was usually related to work or the child, now it is random.
  • I feel like an outsider looking in on my own body, my own life, my families life. I keep getting thoughts on what life would look like if I wasn’t here. Would they all just end up forgetting me, would the child get enough love from all those around her without me? Would she grow up to be the most amazing human being that I want to her to be? Does she even need me for that?
  • My family, my baby, my world. This is the thought that does break me every day. I love them more than life itself. I couldn’t live without them, but they might have to live without me. I don’t want to miss a thing.
  • I wrote down Cancer for the first time. In my little black book that I’ve started to use to document the journey I’m on. This was in the middle of my list of random thoughts and I finally wrote the word down. When do you ever imagine that you have to write the word about yourself?
  • I ran Race for Life a few years ago for a close family friend who was fighting cancer at the time. Its now bizarre that I could be running it in the future for my left boob! Is this for real?
  • A work colleague gave me books. This was the most thoughtful gift. No meaning, no grand gesture, but a gesture non the less. And it meant the world to me. As an avid reader I hope to at least make use of some time off and read.
  • Cancer – the word spreads fear and dread doesn’t it? Spells heartbreak in just on word. You always assume ‘it’ll never happen to me’. Naivety is a beautiful thing. I HATE IT.
  • Five weeks and no crying, I haven’t cried once. I nearly broke a couple of times saying the word out loud, but now I’m like stone with it. I probably do need to cry. A lot. But I know if I started I might not stop. I’m too stubborn to start though. I’m not a cryer by nature (but reflecting back I do usually wake up from anaesthetic crying!) and I don’t want to cry as then I’ll feel like I’m broken. And I am not broken. I am a fighter and to me fighting means I am not going to cry.

I don’t like a journey without a plan (well, apart from our holidays! I like them to be unplanned as it’s the only time we don’t have too!). My entire life is planned otherwise, but now my journey is in other peoples hands. Strangers to me. I am putting my life in their hands and I am not sure how I feel about that.

But I’m still here and I’m fighting it. I’ve got this!!

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